The labels I use are based on my observation and research. I am not a psychiatric professional, just someone looking for answers and these labels are the best way for me to explain my situation.
People:
OAD - me, One Angry Daughter
FOO - Family of Origin
EF - "Enabling Father"
NM - "Narcisistic Mother"
GC - Golden Child - this role has been assigned to me or my sister at various times. Currently it is my sister.
FOC - Family of Choice:
DS - Dear Son
DH - Dear Husband
MIL - Mother In Law
FIL - Father In Law
Terms:
DoNM - Daughter of Narcisistic Mothers
ACoN - Adult Child of a Narcissist
ACoA - Adult Child of an Alcoholic
LC - Limited Contact
NC - No Contact
NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder
NS - Narcissistic Supply
NW - Narcissistic Wounding
FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt - often used in the phrase N-FOG or Narcissitic FOG. These are the tools of a narcissist to get you to comply to their will.
About Me
I started this blog February 2009. I was angry - very angry. I felt like I couldn't express myself and talk about how I felt. Writing is the only way I feel like I have a chance of being heard and understood. However, even in writing I was never able to gain the understanding of the one person I desperately wanted it from.
Back then, I was 8 months pregnant and I allowed my mother to make me feel like a bad, horrible person for the last time. All the gory details can be found here - How I Became One Angry Daughter. I sought out a therapist hoping it would help me mend my relationship with my mother. After briefly describing what had happened, she told me my mother sounded "narcissistic" and sent me home with a book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Up until this point, when I thought of a narcissist - I thought of someone who was vain and had an inflated ego. Reading the book, I learned there was so much more to it. I was shocked to see my family falling into a textbook example of narcissism. This book, followed by others, led to a series of "Aha!" moments. I had joined an online support group and started this blog.
The blog was for me - I never really thought anyone would read it - but made it public anyway. It kinda felt like I was standing on the edge of the canyon yelling my feelings out to anyone who would listen. It was liberating since all my life I worked at denying any negative feeling (like anger) and putting up a happy front. Then you all came and read and left comments. I can't express how validating it is to hear from you and how much I learn from your experiences.
I kept the blog anonymous in order to protect the identity of myself and my family. Also I didn't want them to find this blog - not because I don't stand behind what I say, but because I only figured it would do more harm than good. My previous attempts to be open about how I felt were faced with rejection and dismissal.
Unfortunately, I underestimated their internet search skills and left a path (albeit a convoluted one) right to this blog. As such - I know they have read everything. To anyone who thinks if you can just tell your family members that you think NPD, alcoholism, BPD, etc... are in play and maybe they will get the help they need - let my experience be an example that it may not.
I'm happy to report that just after a year later, I'm not very angry anymore. Sure I still have moments where I get upset about the whole situation and frustrated that I can't change it. Overall though, I believe I have become more accepting and understanding. The only standards and code of morality I'm accountable to is my own - and having that kind of control over my life is very empowering.
I hope by sharing my experience I can help others going through a similar situation. I want other DoNMs, ACoNs, ACoAs and other victims of emotional abuse to know it is not their fault and they have the power to walk away from the source of the abuse. Even more importantly - you have the power not to fall down that slippery slope and pass on the abuse to your children. Having the strength to face your past to become a healthier person can stop the cycle.
For those of you who are just starting out - there are intense emotions coming along with the realizations that you are involved in a toxic relationship with a family member. Let me tell you, eventually, the intense negative feelings will subside. Validation, information and a desire to improve yourself are the keys to becoming accepting of the situation. I've filled my blog with the resources that have helped me and I hope they can help you too!
Please leave your comments and links to your blogs. You can also e-mail me directly at oneangrydaughter@gmail.com. I love hearing from you!
Disclaimer:
Any advice or experience I give on this site should be taken for what it is - advice from someone who is just going through a painful time and who is not a professional. While I feel it is helpful for all of us to share our experiences and what we have discovered, it should not be substituted for the help of the right mental health professional.
