Comments on One Angry Daughter: Appearance Authority

I am glad to have found this blog. It is great to ...

2010-02-12T20:37:43.055-08:00

I am glad to have found this blog. It is great to feel that I am not alone in this. I have only recently come to accept that I have a nm, and the doubt and guilt and shame are blocking my way forward from time to time.

My mother tells me I used to be beautiful because I had "that special something" like a sparkle in my eye and a lightness about me. She tells me I no longer have that and I feel so dull and drab when she does. Honestly though, being around her sometimes taxes me so much I am not surprised she never sees me light up.

I will keep on with my journey. Thanks for sharing yours.

Thanks for all the comments and for sharing your e...

2010-02-11T15:04:54.787-08:00

Thanks for all the comments and for sharing your experiences as well.

I know even people from healthier upbringings sometimes have difficulty feeling attractive. It seems to me the place we should feel the most comfortable is in our own skin. Easier said than done.

Its so hard to get the negative re-inforcements out of our heads. Everytime I think of one, I'm trying to remind my self of how silly it is.

I had similar problems with my NM. After all, my ...

2010-02-09T11:08:14.196-08:00

I had similar problems with my NM. After all, my father was a successful businessman in town and she was obsessed with keeping up appearances, not only of herself, but also with the three of us - and especially me, because I was the only daughter. Every single day as I was growing up and then continuing into my adulthood, I heard some kind of criticism about my appearance. Most of it was specifically relating to weight, but really, anything was fair game - my hair, what I wore, etc. etc. etc.
Sometimes the negative commentary went on for hours, and over time, it had a profound effect on me. As I grew up, I had major doubts about my value as a person and as a female. She didn't care. . .she just kept doing it anyway, thinking, I guess, that if she just criticized me long enough and hard enough, I would eventually break down and surrender to her demands. But that didn't happen. What happened was that my weight problem got worse in graduate school, and increased steadily thereafter. For the last ten years, I've finally reached a stable weight, though I remain probably 75 pounds more than what I should be. Thanks, Mom. You really did a number on me! And I didn't deserve it; nobody deserves that relentless, constant psychological abuse.

Dr. Phil hits it right on the head when he says that the most powerful person in your life is your same-sex parent. As the daughters of narcissistic mothers, we have all experienced the sting, and continuing pain caused by that all-powerful person's venom. And even all these many years later, I find that it's still extremely difficult to shake its effects.

I thank you, OAD, for creating this fantastic website where we can share our experiences and get the support we need to function in the world!

Lots of hugs. .

Javanaiselyric
Northern California

Your writing always helps me something new. It is...

2010-02-09T07:46:32.172-08:00

Your writing always helps me something new. It is such a gift -- thanks. My mom was terrified of me not looking a certain way. She would constantly argue with us about our clothes. Once I remember her telling people about the time she visited me in college and I looked like a bum. Yikes. She also threw out some clothes of mine that she didn't like. I remember when I was in 2nd grade she bought some shoes that I absolutely hated. I cried and cried and cried at the store. She bought them anyway. She made me wear them. My eyes were all puffy and red at school. The teachers were concerned about me. I can't imagine that she wanted me in those shoes *that* bad. In 2nd grade, I felt some sort of fall. It wasn't about the shoes, but her perfectionism and control and N.

Wow, that was well done. I am a person with menta...

2010-02-07T14:24:07.847-08:00

Wow, that was well done. I am a person with mental illness and I always choose to keep well medicated as I know occasionally my words and actions hurt other people and I don't want this to happen.

This blog is really a wonderful look from the other side. I'm sorry this had to happen to you.

Annie

APPLAUSE

2010-02-06T21:13:39.080-08:00

*APPLAUSE*

This may sound 'odd' but parents are suppo...

2010-02-06T12:45:35.566-08:00

This may sound 'odd' but parents are supposed to pay attention to their kids, but they aren't supposed to 'look'. If you know what I mean.

LOOKING---as in objectification.

When a parent talks like this, it sure makes you feel like a piece of meat.

Besides the fact that they have set you up for an insult ("You sure looked great then compared to how you look now!")

With narcissists, it's often what they DON'T SAY that hurts the most because we can't stop thinking about it. We might even obsess on it because we cannot even imagine saying something similar to our own child.

You know OAD, narcissistic mothers don't just set their kids up to compete with one another. They set us up to compete with ourselves. It's so fragmenting....

Loved the insight in your post although I am so sorry for any child whose N-parent only saw the outside, not their soul.

Hugs,
CZ

pffpt......

2010-02-05T15:46:57.202-08:00

pffpt......

Not sure what my mother was up to when she bragged...

2010-02-05T14:13:48.423-08:00

Not sure what my mother was up to when she bragged about all of the guys chasing her when she was younger. Starting in my early teens she told me almost daily that I had straight hair, sallow skin, crooked teeth (no braces for me), a flat chest and wore glasses (boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses), so I was destined to be an old maid. I was hopelessly shy around the opposite sex and didn't have a real boyfriend until I met my husband when I was twenty-six. He was the first person to tell me how beautiful I was.
I have been widowed for a couple of years now and I made the mistake of telling my mother about a man who had asked me for coffee. Her reply, "He's just after your beautiful house." I said, "Ouch! That is insulting on so many levels it's not worthy of a reply!"
What was my mum's motivation all those years ago? I don't think she was threatened by a plain, shy teenager, I think she was threatened by the idea of losing her compliant daughter who functioned as an unpaid cook, laundress, cleaning lady and nanny!
When she made the more recent remark I was back playing the dutiful daughter after the death of my husband, so once again, I guess she thought if I batter away at her self confidence she'll never date anyone who might take her away from me.
I'm NC now too and look out world...here I come!

Bravo OAD! You are SO getting it! Isn't it s...

2010-02-05T10:34:52.730-08:00

Bravo OAD! You are SO getting it! Isn't it silly to compare the beauty of a child to that of an adult? It doesn't make sense. Your mother fell into the classic trap of seeing you as at your best only when what she saw reflected what she wanted to see as herself. SHE was incapable of embracing your changes... you have not been. I don't even know you, but I can feel a beautiful aura around you and THAT's what beauty is all about. Before my high school prom, I asked my mom how I looked. She told me that if I would just smile, I'd look fine. Wow! If my own mother thought the best I could look was "fine" and only with the qualifier of when I smiled, I must really be ugly. This comment rang in my head for years. It led me down a path of extreme self consciousness and excessive efforts to be "pretty" by trying all sorts of beauty products, hair color and eventually, a little plastic surgery. At 50 years old I finally laugh when I think about it. She, like your mother, says it was a compliment and that she didn't want her kids growing up with "big heads." Are you kidding? I do not hold back with my kids on assuring them how wonderful they are, how proud I am, how beautiful they are. And so it is that we can break the cycle. Good job to both of us! PS thanks for the heads up on the e-narcissist handbook. Take care.

Is that what you're going to wear? I've a...

2010-02-05T09:22:01.273-08:00

Is that what you're going to wear? I've always liked you platinum best (even though you're allergic, you blister and you're eyes sometimes swell shut). You can never be too thin, too rich or too blonde. I got you botox for you're birthday, we're going together (funny that my botox ran more costly than hers, afterall she was poking at my forehead "what about some here, here and over here")...ok, the jealousy streak??? Reared it's ugly head at about 13 and continued on until NC...early on it was subtle insults or backhanded compliments to shake my security or perpetuate my insecurity but as I got older and immune, it was outright physical abuse: knocked the wire clear out of my braces, broke my nose twice at 37 and 39...always goes for my face...when I decided no contact I was platinum, 5'9" and 111 pounds and marrying a wonderful wealth off hard working man with two amazing children that he has custody of. Too thin, too rich and too blonde....MaMa's mantra...well, well...that still didn't win her approval. Not good enough ringing a bell? So, being that I was never nurtured, I am in fact very nurturing and protective of my stepchildren. DD was 13 and it took one sentence for me to decide that she would not, could not be part of our family. "Tell your new daughter to stand up straight, she would look much thinner if she pulled her shoulders back"..then goes on "remember when you developed before your friends, you used to be so round shouldered too"... I was almost physically ill at the thought of NM damaging my DD's sense of self....on and on it goes......wreckless is not a harsh enough word!

Beautifully written. We are beautiful at every poi...

2010-02-05T07:57:04.238-08:00

Beautifully written.
We are beautiful at every point and moment in time, for various internal and external reasons.

I could never live in LA or Miami.
I can't deal how these women try SO hard to look 22 at every point.
Courtney Cox is one of my favorites--but just want to ask her why, oh why is she trying to make herself look 22 when she is only in her early 40's!! Half of these early 40 celebs look like they are 55+ year olds who underwent plastic surgery versus just being natural and valuing how we are SUPPOSED to look beautiful in a different way at each point in our lives and that the inner beauty continues to enrich with each year.

My Nm, like any, has that jealousy streak and she would make comments to make me self-conscious often. It was often in my younger years, too, when it was so inappropriate and wreckless.
They really are pathetic people.
Pathetic.