OAD - Over and Out

“Everybody can get angry— that’s easy. But getting angry at the right person, with the right intensity, at the right time, for the right reason and in the right way— that’s hard.” .. Aristotle

I start off this post with the intention that it will be my last as One Angry Daughter.  Although it is the close of a significant chapter of my life, the closure is long overdue.  I have been searching for a way to wrap this up with a neat little bow and store it away – you know a perfect ending…  Ironic since that is the same thing that has remained elusive throughout this journey.

When I started this blog nearly three years ago I was every bit One Angry Daughter. I had never allowed myself to feel anger at other people so strongly and at such depths as I finally experienced.  I had enough.  As painful as it was for me and undoubtedly the people around me (most pointedly so at the targets of my anger) I am grateful that I allowed myself to go there.  Standing here today, I realized the person I was most angry and disappointed in was myself.  Processing the anger I had at other people in my life was like peeling an onion that allowed me to finally get to the root cause.

I feel the need to clarify here.  This is a statement of identifying control.  The reasons I had for being upset with the behaviors of my family are my own and are valid.  I am not letting them off the hook or sweeping it under the proverbial rug by saying ultimately the self-directed anger was the real problem.   All the time I spent researching and labeling what their problem could be, I was ignoring the changes I actually could do something about.  However, the researching and labeling was also beneficial in its own right.  It took a while to get it through my thick head, but with every book, every personal account and every professional I spoke to the message was the same – it is their problem and it is their own to address if they choose to.  You can’t change it.

The mountain of research into NPD and BPD validated to me that a change was needed – it is just that at first I thought I could compile a mountain of theories and facts and convince them to change.  And even though I knew better, I still thought facts would win them over.  In the end – the facts won me over and I came out with a few unflattering labels myself.

You can't rip the mask over the NPs face without hurting yourself in the process. Your family member will hold on to the mask and attack back. Part of being in a relationship with a narcissist is accepting that he sees the world the way he does, and you can't change it. You can, however, change yourself and the situation.

Randi Kreger - Behind the Facade: The "False Self" of the Narcissist

Once I was able to let go of the idea of rescuing my family, I was able to concentrate on getting to know myself better.  Not only so I could like myself, but that I could trust myself to be in control of my own life.  That was the only way I would stop handing over the keys to whoever I perceived was most capable or at least the most willing.  There is only one woman who is perfect for the job of my life management, and she is the one typing this post.

I read a quote about mid-way through this journey that “Depression is anger turned inward”  I didn’t want to believe it because I wanted to believe that the source of my anger was outside of my control.  That relieved me of accountability and ownership.  Unfortunately that also landed me into the category of helpless victim.  In that state, denied anger cannot be quieted and it often did drive me into horrible depression.  At times I had to weigh the unimaginable thoughts of just wanting it to end with the embarrassment of having to ask for help.  At the worst of it, I didn’t ask for help and I should have.  The turning point for me happened last December during a particularly hard time where I was unable to cope in a healthy way.  I let myself be victimized for the last time by my childhood insecurities and nay-saying voices.  I carved my childhood nickname into my thigh with a tip of a safety pin without even flinching.  It scared and I have had a long time to think about the rashness of my action and how I am going to make it so I never feel like “Trouble” again.  

How sad is a life feeling like with every interaction you are just causing others trouble or being a pain in the ass?  These are the messages that have held me back and quieted my inner voice. It’s the reason I turned to writing my feelings down rather than saying them out load in the moment.  I made a decision as an adult to no longer let that define me.

I’ve spent a majority of the last year just getting to know myself; trying to be as much of a third party observer as one can be living in their own skin.  I worked on identifying my feelings and understand my reactions.  Nothing was wrong, bad or out of line. It was just data.  I really started thinking about what I value – and valuing what I value to the extent that I can protect that with boundaries without feeling guilty. I challenge myself to speak up in uncomfortable situations because the more I assert myself the better I feel about it – and then suddenly I’m holding my own without even having to think twice about what I'm doing.

I have struggled with my weight and dislike my outer appearance for just about forever.  I think I felt ugly inside and it reflected outside too.  On top of that, I’ve allowed another negative comment about “you’ll never be as beautiful as you were at 14” set a limit on who I could be.  Defining myself from the ground up afforded me the opportunity burst through that barrier, too.  Over the past six months I have been able to shed 40 pounds with little effort, stress or set back.  I’ve overhauled my relationship with food (my brain controls it – not that void of denied feelings) and make exercise a priority.

I am back to the weight and size of that 14 year old girl.  And while she was very fit and very pretty and very young – she doesn’t have anything on this nearly 32 year old woman.  The satisfaction was in the realization we don’t have only one opportunity to peak in this life time.  There are dips, deep valleys and more hills to climb.  But thankfully, with each set back, there is another peak to discover.  The key is to live honestly and remain open to all possibilities.

Now a little about the blog.  Writing has been an amazingly healing experience.  It allowed me to find my voice and test out expressing myself in a seemingly safe place with lots of positive validation.  And when this space became hostile because it was found by family members and other people who were not sympathetic – it afforded me the opportunity to hold my ground (and trust me that was really difficult at times).  All decisions have consequences and I do accept the fact that starting and continuing to maintain this blog has had a significant impact on having a relationship with certain members of my family.

I do remain open to the possibility that we will be able to find a way to coexist in this world in ways that intersect in at least a civil way.  I maintain the same hope that I had when this whole thing started, that we can forge a new direction with a healthier relationship.

As I shut down this blog, I can’t think of the words that would adequately express my gratitude for all the support my readers have given me over the course of this journey.  Those of you who shared your experience and wisdom gave me strength.  Those of you who came to me seeking advice allowed me to give back and reaffirmed that we walk do not walk alone in this challenge.  Even to those who lurked, just seeing the number of page views this blog received was encouraging. 

There will be changes coming to this space.  I will be taking down some posts and re-writing other with the goal this place remains a resource for others with only the very best and relevant of my postings.  Since I do not have the time to properly monitor and respond to comments, I will be turning them off in the coming weeks.  You can still continue to send me notes at oneangrydaughter@gmail.com.  I am also removing my private blog.  A special thanks to those of you who shared with me your personal information and also for the support you gave me in that space.

I also leave the blog here as a security blanket.  I hope I never, ever return to the spot where I am OAD again, but is nice to have this outlet in case I ever need it.

I hope each of you gets closer to discovering the peace you seek.  Goodbye, for now.