The Narcissist: A User Guide (free E-Book now Available)

Hands down, the hardest part of discovering I had a narcissist in my life was deciding what I was going to do about it. I didn’t ask to be in a toxic situation, I’m being told it is not my fault, but nonetheless I have to do something about it. It is not fair, it sucks and it hurts because the relationship was with someone I love, who gave me life – my mother.

Because of all the feelings tied up with the NPD person, the first instinct is to try to save the relationship. Healthy people try to use reason and compromise. The narcissist only uses tactics that preserve their false self. There is no winning. In fact, your use of logic, explaining your feelings and an expression of your desire to change may only prove to do one thing: Make the narcissist a better narcissist. They play dirty and the last thing you want to do is give them ammunition for their drama gun which has you fixed in its sights.

Eventually, I discovered first hand something I’ve heard over and over again “You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself.” Never has that statement been truer. Even though you are not the narcissist, you are the other half of the equation – the supply. Remove the supply and they can’t feed off of you.

But… how?

Navigating your way through all the information on NPD can be daunting. There seems to be many definitions and explanations, but only brief mentions of setting boundaries or limiting contact. Personally, I felt lost and out of control when staring at my options. It felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and I didn’t know how far the fall was going to be and how bad it would hurt when I landed. My only option was to jump.

It seems like a simple answer – choosing health over insanity. However, staring down into the abyss of the unknown – even if it is supposedly better for us – is anxiety provoking. No matter how much the NPD person tries to convince you otherwise, you are going to survive. Look at it more as a jumping with a parachute. The more you know and the more support you gather, the stronger and more effective that parachute becomes. Eventually you will make a gentle landing on the other side.

The parachute is not built alone. We find the self esteem building validation we seek in trusted family members, our spouses, our friends, and others who have gone through it before. We reach out to strangers over our blogs and discussion boards and find support and friendship. As one DoNM often puts it “Welcome to the club nobody wants to be part of.”

If our club was to have a welcome packet – it should include Betsy Wuebker and Lori Hoeck’s new (free) e-book, The Narcissist: A User's Guide. Betsy and Lori’s collaboration is based on years of first hand experience with narcissist. At 29 pages long, it is a crash course in narcissism, but it touches on everything someone about to make the jump to emotional freedom would want to know. Going beyond a definition and validation of what you are experiencing, Betsy and Lori provide guidance to help you answer the most common “How?” questions:

• How can I know if I am dealing with a narcissist? (Chapter Two)


• How do I interact with a narcissist? (Chapter Four)


• How do I know if I should leave the relationship? (Chapter Five)


• How do I protect myself from narcissistic relationships in the future? (Chapter 6)

The value of the advice given is that it is aimed at making a positive change in you, rather than dwelling on the person with the disorder. It is taking control of what can be changed and accepting what cannot.

I feel Chapter Four: Strategies to Negate a Narcissist, is a must read for anyone who is considering confronting their narcissist. Explaining why standing your ground is your best option, the authors also offer tangible examples on how to set boundaries. In my experience I hardly knew what a boundary was when I decided to set them – so having these types of examples early in the process would be valuable. There were a number of statements that I found to be inspirational and just reading them aloud made me feel more resolved.

This chapter also set expectations in that boundary setting most likely will not change the narcissist, but it will make you feel better and will give you the control over the relationship you have never experienced.

Chapter Five: When it is Time to Leave prepares you for the backlash of leaving the relationship. If I have learned anything in the past year, it is that narcissists typically respond in a similar manner when they lose their supply and use similar tactics to get you to re-submit to them. They use FOG – Fear, Obligation, Guilt – to corner you back into the role they have designed for you. You are a puppet in their false reality. Realizing you can abandon that role is freeing. Knowing what to expect helps you to keep your resolve to choose healthy relationships.

Speaking of narcissist typically all behaving alike, Chapter Three: How Can I tell I’m Dealing with a Narcissist? provides insight to their secret weapon arsenal. This is useful reading for those of us who have a narcissistic parent. We typically only understand the dysfunctional relationship and only recently discovered it is not OK. As such, we require help knowing what to look for so we can avoid similar relationships in the future. I especially appreciated the interview questions which detailed a typical healthy response and a narcissistic one.

As far as avoiding narcissistic relationships, recognizing the narcissist is half the battle. Chapter 6: Avoiding Future Encounter addresses the change we make in ourselves so we don’t become targets. It is a long road, but this is also the rewarding part! Changing involves building our self esteem, confidence, and building healthy boundaries around our emotions and physical beings. It is feeling the pain and facing our fears so we are no longer vulnerable. This is the work that improves our quality of life. The more successful we are at this, the less tasty we will seem to hungry narcissists looking for supply.

The Narcissist: A User Guide becomes available today and can be found on either author’s website. This is a quick read, offering powerful strategies and insights that can help at any stage of the journey. If you have just discovered you are in a relationship with a NPD person, I feel this e-Book is a good starting point and provides excellent references for additional reading.

The authors


Betsy Wuebker(http://passingthru.com/ ) is an entrepreneur and a writer at PassingThru. As a very interested observer—always looking for the “why”—her encounters with narcissists in the workplace and extended family dynamics led her from observations to conclusions. Collaborating with Lori, whose insights and experiences are so remarkably similar, is a way to share these findings and tips in the hopes that others may extricate themselves from harmful situations and move on to healthier, happier living.


Lori Hoeck (http://thinklikeablackbelt.com ) is a writer and senior martial arts instructor currently helping people discover the power of physical, mental, and emotional self defense at her website, Think Like A Black Belt. Like Betsy, Lori enjoys exploring the inner workings of a topic—like narcissism or self defense—and then melding research and personal experience into actionable resources for others.