OAD requires Java Script to be enabled to view this page. Please hold to be redirected to instructions.... One Angry Daughter: My Independence Day

Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Independence Day

Yeah, yeah – I know its not Forth of July. And I do want to wish you all a very happy Valentines Day. This day holds a different significance for me.

Mulderfan wrote me and told me January 10 was her independence day. Well, mine is February 14, 2009 and if you would like to see my declaration of independence and subsequent fall out, you can see it here: http://www.oneangrydaughter.com/2009/03/confrontation-part-1.html.

I want you to know above everything else I am doing this to ensure you and I can move forward on the best of terms. You are my mother and I love you very much. You need to know I do get hurt by your comments and actions though, and I’m no longer going to pretend like they don’t hurt

As I re-read the letter with a year of study in personality disorders and co-dependency under my belt, I would have written the letter differently. However the intent is there: Respect me as an individual capable of making my own decisions. When you don’t like my decision, respect me enough not to interfere or try to manipulate me into changing my mind. Above all, treat me, my family and my friends with the same respect they show you.

Even though I have taken control over my life, it is bittersweet. I feel like both my mom and I lost out on the opportunity to have a better relationship. I know if she has NPD, this will never be possible. All relationships are give and take. I can’t shoulder all the blame all the time and always is the one trying to make it right. I can’t walk on pins and needles never knowing what will set her off.

My dad and I have lost out on a relationship. My sister and I have lost out on a relationship. I have lost contact with my nieces and other family members. They have lost out on a relationship with my son and my husband.

If you were to explain this to them, they would say “OAD is the one who went away. We are still here. Someday she’ll come back.” There in lies the problem. They are still who they have always been and I have changed. I can’t go back and I can’t make them decide to change the dynamic they seem to need in order to exist.

I took a stand and said mental health, a healthy relationship with my husband, and providing a stable environment for my son trumps my relationship with my family. My mother, sister and father believe parents and siblings should come before all others. These are mindsets from two different realities and it is hard to reconcile them.

I can’t blame any one thing or any one person for the fall out. We all played our parts. I can blame personality disorder, but I believe personal responsibility still reins supreme. I just hope my walking away and decision to not to feed into the unhealthy dynamic, I can at least provide a better future me as well as for my relationship with my husband and son.
Posted by One Angry Daughter
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8 comments:

  1. Neither one of us entered into NC lightly and I will admit to often being overcome with guilt at "abandoning" such an elderly couple, even though I made it clear if they have a genuine emergency I am here for them but only if I am treated with respect.

    My parents are so old (90 & 87) that many people suggest that their inappropriate behaviour is age related. Of course, they have clearly stated that their advanced age gives them the right to do and say whatever they want!

    I feel and share your sadness but I truly believe we have both left the door open for our parents to build a new relationship with us built on respect. Perhaps this is beyond their ability to comprehend.
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  2. I can so relate to your post as well as Mulderfan's comment below it. I'm only about a month into NC. I tried - boy, did I try hard - to find a solution NM and I could live with. I tried talking to her, taking her into therapy with me, I tried anything and everything I knew to do until I could do nothing more and NM STILL refused to budge an inch. She still thinks I am the bad one and SHE is the victim. And last I heard from my aunt, NM says I am the one who needs to come back to her and "make things right". I am wrong, I need rules and she is 100% blameless and can do whatever she wants simply because "she's my mother".

    I would love nothing more than to have been able to find some middle ground, some compromise I could live with that would enable NM to have remained in my life but, sadly, she would rather be "right" than have me and my ds in her life. (Mind you, to hear her tell it, again I'M the villain, the one who's keeping her from having a relationship with her gs.)

    I wish there was another way to protect myself and my family but, sadly, NM gave me the choice of HER way or the highway and so I've chosen the highway. (Though NM isn't aware I've gone NC. She just thinks I'm giving her the "silent treatment" and that I'll eventually be back. It'll be curious to see what happens once she figures out that the situation has changed and the new "rule" is that she either respects me and my family or there will be no interacting or visits.)

    Hugs to you and to all us DoNM's out there going through this,

    DA xx
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  3. NC is tough b/c it feels at moments like the wrong thing to do, but every time we go back and are reminded the story is always the same: they are the victim and we are to blame, and we are subject to total disrespect, disregard and manipulation, we are once again realizing there is just no other choice.

    And re: responsibility, you are right--it is only 50% ours. They need to shoulder the weight of their choices.

    My family is just like this--zero responsibility for their actions, they continue to blame me and they continue to think I will come back when 'I realize how wrong I was!'.

    I hate NC for many reasons, mainly b/c I miss my niece and nephews and I feel a bit cheated out of a 'typical' nuclear family (and extended) situation.
    But when I really think about it, I have never felt more inner peace and less anxiety than I have these past 9 months.
    I can say honestly, I have probably never been happier:)
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  4. Found your blog the other day and also the NP Mother's board and I owe you a big thank you! I tried to have a normal family relationship with my husband and son and undo the damage passed on to me and it worked. There is such joy and yes, we are responsible for ourselves but still the tug of the family and wanting to be loved for ourselves is kind of a pain that never goes away completely.
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  5. Oh my, DisturbedAngel, you took the words right out of my mouth. I am 5 months into NC without my NM even noticing because, after all, I am the one who "wrote her off" so she feels justified in her cruel, cold silent treatment.
    Unfortunately and sad, I am use to this. The difference now, is I'm not going to stand for it. I am slowly but surely setting my boundaries. I will no longer be told how horrible I am, take all the blame or all the projection.
    Each time, and there are plenty, I slip into feeling guilty (lots of conditioning for that!) I remind myself of how the situation was before and how miserable I was. I just can't go back to the way things were. I care about myself and my family too much to be beaten down any longer.
    Prayers and blessings to all you DoNM sisters! It is so comforting and validating to read your words and hear your stories.
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  6. Disturbed Angel,

    You nailed it! Like you, I tried, tried tried to make things work with my own NM. I cried so many tears, wrote so many letters, went in person, went with others, begged other family members to reason with her...peace at any cost.

    In the end I felt like Chamberlain dealing with Hitler. NM wanted me to shoulder it ALLLLLLLLLL. Not only was i to assume 100% of the blame, but NM demanded an apology for FORCING her to punish me with the silent treatment.

    Like your NM, my mother would rather be "right" in her small pathetic mind then have a relationship with her children and grandchildren. She must preserve "face" at any cost (Fairness? Integrity?? Sanity?? - this is what she would deny herself to be "top dog")

    Finally after 3 years of her mind games I've let go of the rope. She can now play tug of war with herself in the mud. I now shake my head thinking of how much of myself I was willing to crucify in order to "earn" her love (it was never freely given as you know)

    I also underwent some Post Traumatic Stress councilling which helped immensely. Losing my mother (or my fantasy of one) was the hardest thing I ever went through but now at least the cycle of insanity is broken. My children will never know "gaslighting" and her version of "parenting" ever again.
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  7. Thank you for your comments on this post! Thank you for sharing you experiences on going NC. People who do not understand think we did this on a whim - that we are just spoiled, pouty children who didn't get their way. DA - I agree - you captured the struggle. The point is we tried everything. I don't think there is ever peace with the decision.

    .
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  8. You’re not alone. Everyone has issues, whether it’s mental illness, addiction, or anything of the sort. I’ve found that Silver Hill, a substance abuse and psychiatric hospital, has some really good information and resources. Talking/blogging about these things can be extremely helpful not just for yourself, but for others in need. Keep up the good work.
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