One Year Ago Today

This time, one year ago, our Baby Party had just started. At about this time, I remember being in the kitchen, talking to the wives of a couple co-workers about starting DS’s baby book. One of them who knew how mom and I would go to her scrap booking parties asked if my family was coming. I remembered replying “Oh yes, my Mom always makes an entrance.” I remember her giving me a puzzled look. “Let’s just say you’ll hear her when she comes.”

What I needed to have was a tornado siren sound when she entered, because after she stormed out, my emotions where strewn like debris all over the void she left. I fluctuated from guilt, to hate, to sadness, to anger, to regret, until I finally landed on determination. At 7:00 PM, in tears and with a broken heart, I decided I would have to change. I decided I would call a therapist because I figured I just didn’t know how to communicate with my family. I needed someone unrelated to me to tell me if I was really as bad of a villain my mother made me out to be.

Thank God I called and found her. I didn’t know to look for a therapist who specialized in personality disorders – must have been divine intervention I decided to pick her name out of the list my insurance company provided me. I don’t know if you ever read this blog – or if you still do – but thank you for pointing me in the right direction.

In the span of a year I’ve gone from striving for acceptance in my parents’ eyes to being satisfied with accepting myself. I’m not cured and I still struggling, but I am light years away from that broken hearted girl who thought she was the worse, most selfish person in the whole world for not opening gifts in front of everyone to appease her mother. It all seems so silly now.

But thank God for the journey. I have met some incredible people along the way – many on the DoNM boards, those who leave comments or email me through this blog, those who reached out to me to offered words of encouragement and those who said I was brave and my experience actually have helped them. I don’t know how to express how much it all means to me. I am grateful for each and every one of you.

It shows in my relationship with my husband. We are stronger because we stood together. I learned I could completely breakdown and fall apart and have someone support me. I never did that before, because I was to be the strong one and if I fell, no one would catch me. We are living life on our terms and no more do I ask the question “If we do this, will it upset my mother?” We have our standards, we live in an acceptable way, and we are happy. We have future dreams and aspiration with no strings attached.

It shows in my career. I am finally learning how to be assertive and got a thicker skin. Because I am sure of myself and don’t try to be 100% perfect all the time, I actually enjoy my job. And it is showing! Despite taking time off to have a baby and all the hardships with my family, I am actually excelling at my job. I have a career path and achieving milestones!

I still have intense moments of sadness on a regular basis. I will always have one mother, one father and one sister. I love them very much but I just don’t know how to fix us. Scratch that, I can’t fix us. I can only fix me. I do miss them. I do not miss the emotional roller coaster they take me on. I do not miss the work of supporting the dysfunction of ignoring problems and keeping up the happy family façade to the world. I do not miss addiction that never gets better – whether it is to a chemical substance, a person, or the drama that surrounds the whole dynamic. One day, I hope we can all work towards a healthier dynamic. Until that day, I can only concentrate on my own.

Ironically, I am going to a baby shower this evening. I am taking my DS with me. Maybe this is too much to put on someone who isn’t even one yet, but he is kinda like my superhero. It was my love for him and my desire to bring him into a peaceful world that propelled me to work for a change in the first place. There was something powerful that night as I stood there caressing my swollen belly and feeling him move inside me. The alarm clock had gone off and I couldn’t push snooze any more. I had to do something different, because the status quo was killing me.

The outcome isn’t what I had first envisioned. My first choice always has been for me and my family to come to an understanding and work towards change together. I’ve had to accept that may never happen. However, reality today is much better than the crazy making reality of a year ago and who knows what the next year will bring.