Couple’s Therapy

When I was a kid – I want to say maybe around 10 or so – my parents went to couples therapy. It didn’t go well.

After a session or two, Mom came home and said the therapist was trying to destroy their marriage – suggesting that divorce was an option. She declared that she was a Catholic and divorce was never an option. She also said something about how “that woman” didn’t believe Dad had an alcohol problem. She also believed “that woman” had a thing for Dad.

She quit going – Dad kept going. Their relationship started to drastically change.

Dad started taking more interest in his appearance. I don’t recall him drinking as much during this time. He started standing up to my mom and became very assertive. One thing I remember is he would keep her out of the bedroom while he was getting dressed. She got really upset that he wouldn’t allow her in.

Mom started sleeping in another room. They all but stopped talking. She blamed every thing on “that woman” and was sure they were having an affair.

For so long, I thought maybe the therapist handled it wrong. I didn’t think she was seducing my father, but I did think she should have refused to continue seeing him alone. It was suppose to be couple’s therapy.

Now – I have a new theory. I suspect my mother went in there with the intention of pinning their relationship problems solely on my father’s drinking. I further believe the therapist saw they were both responsible for the marriage and therefore wanted to concentrate on behaviors my mom was exhibiting that were causing problems. Maybe this therapist was very blunt and my mother cannot hear criticism. So she walked out.

Meanwhile, I bet Dad was getting validated by the therapist. Perhaps this was the first time he felt like he was being understood. I strongly believe now my father’s behavior changed because he got a little self confidence and started to set boundaries. Mom doesn’t like boundaries, so she overreacted, accused him of cheating, and stormed off to the guest room to punish him.

Dad’s not Catholic, so why did he stay? Maybe it was for me and my sister – at least that is what I want to believe. Maybe he was scared? Maybe he loved my mom so much he really wanted to stay? Who knows … maybe someday he’ll tell me.

From that point on, any chance of family therapy was doomed. Mom will not participate if the therapist wants to look at their marriage. The family therapist we saw after my sister's suicide attempt (just one session – that is how well it went) wanted to work with my parents on their relationship and she flat out refused her. I wonder sometimes if witnessing my mother’s blatant refusal of the therapist influenced my sister’s decision to do the same a few minutes later? And although it came a few weeks later, it affected mine (and perhaps my father as well) intentions on continuing alone.

Memories of that session make me sad. My dad doesn’t cry, but when the therapist was talking to him about what had happen to my sister, he started crying. Mom and my sister sat there stone faced. I was numb from the constant chaos of the past six months until I saw how upset he was. He didn’t say much, but he was there, he was feeling it. Looking back, I think we were all looking to my mother with how to proceed since she was the leader. When she said no, it all fell apart.

I do believe if we were all willing to do our part to fix the family dynamic back then, we wouldn’t be where we are today. Heck, I still believe if there was a willingness to let down our guards, admit something is wrong and we need help, what is broken can still be mended. I think these changes have to start at the individual level, because if we wait for everyone to be ready, it may never happen.