The Anatomy of an Apology, The Gift of Forgiveness, and A New Understanding of Turn the Other Cheek

I’ve ponder the true meaning of two words “I’m sorry.” It’s a phrase that gets thrown around so much, like a quick fix to any offense. And most of the time when there’s an “I’m sorry” on the table a common, quick, response is “It’s OK.” And that’s that, and life goes on until the next offense.


The problem with “I’m sorry” is that it is an uncompleted sentence. And when the reply to “I’m sorry” is “It’s OK” – what is “it” and why is it “OK”? In what situations is this appropriate and in what situations is it a cop-out? And is there ever a situation where you forgive or forget without some sort of apology?

It is a lesson to me in both situations – as the wrong doer and the wronged.

And seeing how I didn’t have the best example of adults who apologized in a healthy way, it is one of those life lessons I’m learning now.

As a child, like most children, I quickly learned spitting out a “I’m sorry” could on occasion get me out of a punishment. But if I over used this generic phrase, it could get me into even more trouble because it was empty.

Mom would often repeat the famous line from “Love Story” when this happened – “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Holy cow is this ever weighted with hidden meanings. For one, she is implying because I did something wrong or upset her that means to her I don’t love her. What a horrible thing to say to a child who’s main objective in life is to gain the love of a parent. Another way to (over?) analyze this is Mom wouldn’t apologize because by saying she’s sorry means she doesn’t love me.  So to prove she loves me is to never appologize. The reason I feel I can safely leap to this conclusion is the way she repeated over and over again – like a mantra.

Here’s the reality. Even in the best of relationships where there is plenty of love, we screw it up. Intentionally or unintentionally we hurt and disappoint the people closest to us from time to time. I would venture to say that the delivery of a sincere apology and the act of true forgiveness is among the most loving, most respectful skill we can have in a relationship.

During the last therapy session before my son was born, I asked my therapist how can I now if an apology is genuine. She said "When they apologize and can name what they did. They also have to show you what they are going to do to make it better in the future."

So if there was a standard form for an apology – I suppose it would go like so:

“{insert wronged party name here} I am sorry that I {list wrongs perpetrated}. From now on I will {list restitution you intend to do}.”

Seems simple. Maybe too simple. But it is a far cry from a generic “I’m sorry.” It holds a lot more meaning that the apologizer can at least admit what they did wrong. That shows a level of accountability and that is certainly a starting point. Sometimes just showing an understanding of why the other party is upset with you is half the battle.

The other half is restitution- the actions the apologizer needs to do to prove they are trustworthy once again. Perhaps there are certain actions the apologizer can do before seeking forgiveness to show how serious they are to get the relationship back on track. They could also be promises for change in the future. These promises are kinda like taking a loan on the forgiver’s trust. Based on the history, the forgiver will either choose to believe those promises (extending a loan of trust) or refuse to accept the possibility of change. If the loan of trust is extended, the apologizer has to make good on their debt.

Typically after a sincere apology, the wronged is expected to forgive. Strike that, expected is not the right word. After that the wronged has the option to forgive. Forgiveness is a gift and it should never be expected.

It should be a thoughtful gift at that. This is where “It’s OK” doesn’t always cut it. You cannot forgive a person if they do not ask for forgiveness – it just doesn’t work that way. To even seek forgiveness from God, one must ask for it. Forgiveness should never be assumed, it must be sought.

The bottom line, like all things in a relationship, forgiveness involves two parties. The person who did the wrong admittedly has a lot of hard, uncomfortable work to do to recover the relationship. However, that doesn’t mean the person who was wrong just sits back and waits for the apology and says “Its OK”. There is work to do here too.

First, you have to consider the apology. Was it sincere? Did the other person acknowledge what they did wrong? Have they given you any sign to build confidence this won’t happen again in the future? What sort of actions do they plan on taking to show they mean what they say?

Then if you make a decision on if the apology was sincere or not, what are you going to do about it? Effectively, the ball is in your court. Will you accept the apology? How do you feel about accepting it? Do you feel enough has been said or done that you will be able to move forward in earnest? Are there still nagging feeling that is going to cause you to mistrust this person?

And if the answer is yes I accept the apology, are you willing to be honest with them and commit to rebuilding the trust as long as they are willing to prove they are trust worthy?  Are you willing to invest your trust with them?

If you are not 100% comfortable accepting the apology, this is the big opportunity to say what still needs to be said. Don’t reply with an “It’s ok” and act like it ever happened. It did happen and it is now a part of the history of your relationship. History is important. In fact, make it a point to remember. As the old adage goes “Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.”

This brings me to a term that is thrown around a lot: “Forgive and Forget.” No where in the forgiveness rule books does it say after you forgive you must forget. I can only imagine this condition was thought of by someone who did something really horrid, wasn’t really that sorry, and planned on committing the offense again. For goodness sake, never place this demand on someone you are asking forgiveness from. “Please forget this ever happened, so when I do it again, you can’t be angry with me for miss using your trust yet again.”

Maybe the adage should be “Forgive and do not hold a grudge?” Grudge holding will only hinder the forgiveness process. Forgiveness should only be given if there are no underlying negative feelings attached to it that could hinder the progress of rebuilding the relationship.

So what happens when the forgiveness seeker screws it up again? After all, humans are error prone and sometimes we have to make the same poor decisions a few times before coming around.

Or, perhaps more on topic for this blog, what if the other party never admits fault?  What then?

Why don’t you “Turn the Other Cheek.” Ah the New Testament teaching from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. You know the one that is misconstrued (or at least I believed a misconstrued version of)?  The one that tells us to rise above the abuse by ignoring it, not confronting it, and comforting yourself that it will be different next time. My understanding was to not fight back, keep the peace. That was, until I learned to look at the phrase in the context of when and where the Sermon on the Mount was given:

“But in that world, people did not use the left hand to strike people. It was reserved for "unseemly" uses. Thus, being struck on the right cheek meant that one had been backhanded with the right hand. Given the social customs of the day, a backhand blow was the way a superior hit an inferior, whereas one fought social equals with fists.


This means the saying presupposes a setting in which a superior is beating a peasant. What should the peasant do? "Turn the other cheek." What would be the effect? The only way the superior could continue the beating would be with an overhand blow with the fist--which would have meant treating the peasant as an equal.


Perhaps the beating would not have been stopped by this. But for the superior, it would at the very least have been disconcerting: he could continue the beating only by treating the peasant as a social peer. As Wink puts it, the peasant was in effect saying, "I am your equal. I refuse to be humiliated anymore." That is not all. The sayings about "going the second mile" and "giving your cloak to one who sues you for your coat" make a similar point: they suggest creative non-violent ways of protesting oppression.” http://www.dharmagates.com/other_cheek.htm

It was such a relief to look at this in new light. Jesus wasn’t telling us to endure abuse, he was telling us to resist non-violently. He was proposing a peaceful, non-vengeful, effective way of standing one’s ground and demanding equality and respect.

That is what setting boundaries with the consequence of “No Contact” means to me. I demanded respect for my family and I as equals with my FOO. When they could not deliver, it meant they are not able to engage with us until they are. Figuratively, I have turned the other cheek and if NM or the rest of FOO is going to come back at me, they will have to do so with respect.

That is the problem with abuse. The abuser feels as if they are superior to their victim. When the abused levels the playfield, the rules of the game have to change. The abuser has to make a choice – either fight as an equal or abandon the fight all together.

Along these lines, there is another part of not getting a sincere apology - acceptance. At some point, the person who has been hurt has to accept the relationship for what it is. While they will never be able to change the person who hurts them, they can change the nature of the relationship. They can distance themselves and put their energies towards relationships that do reciprocate.  Acceptance is what we let us let go, and hopefuly, find closure.
Considering the above lesson with my experience with people who are unwilling to admit fault, ask for forgiveness, and continue to break trust – it is pretty clear that we, the other have of the relationship, have options here. Here are my conclusions:

1) Delivering an apology is an uncomfortable, hard thing to do. We have to admit fault, we feel bad that we disappointed someone we care about and we are unsure if they will forgive us.

2) Forgiveness is a gift – and should be a thought filled process. It should never be assumed.

3) Forgiveness without an apology is not forgiveness – it is a choice to ignore the problem and to not confront the root problem.

4) Forgetting is not an option. Each party must learn from the process to avoid going down the same path in the future.

5) Turning the other cheek = non violent resistance.  It is not submission, but a demand to be treated with respect.

If you have a Christian background, one website I found helpful in making my discovery with regard to forgiveness is:

http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/default.asp?id=39548.

Also - thanks to Barbara who left the following comment on what consitutes a true appology:

According to Perfect Apology the key steps in any good apology are:
1. a detailed account of the offense

2. acknowledging the hurt caused

3. taking personal responsibility

4. recognizing one’s role

5. stating one’s regret

6. asking for forgiveness

7. promising that it won’t happen again

8. offering restitution



Source: http://victimofcon07.wordpress.com/

Post edited on 11/13/2009