Narcissists Confuse Respect with Submission

DH and I had an interesting conversation that led to another “A HA!” moment for me.

NM constantly accuses me (and anyone else) who won’t conform to her will as showing her disrespect.

But she is confused. People who disagree with her are not disrespecting her, they are not submitting to her.

When someone doesn’t submit, that means their reality is different than her fragile reality and it is like they are challenging her authority. She perceives them yelling at her “YOU ARE WRONG” and she cannot put it in perspective. It does hurt her, because she takes it personally and internalizes it. She cannot accept other people’s opinions when they are different from her own.

She doesn’t know how to categorize it. So, she thinks “This person is intentionally trying to hurt and embarrass me. They are disrespecting me.”

If you disrespect her, you are punished. She cannot agree to a difference of opinion. If you want to coexist with her, you must submit to her reality. To gain submission, she will punish you for as long as she sees fit. This could be in the form of raging at you until you just agree to quiet her. Or she may ignore you for months. She may bad mouth you to friends and family. She may demand retribution.

Here’s an example. Back when DH and I were first dating, DH would join in on NM’s taunting. At first, he thought it was in good fun --- like when his mom jokes around with him. It didn’t take him very long to see NM’s taunting wasn’t done in a loving way – her aim was to degrade and embarrass me. So he stopped joining in.

Up until that point, NM saw DH as an ally, an equal. She liked him if she perceived she could get him to gain up against me. But the second he started to stand up for me, then he was put into the “must submit” category. So anytime he disagreed with her, he was disrespecting her. She quickly turned to nasty cut downs to attempt to put him in his place. She had to feel superior to him as well.

And that is how she has ruled family and friends. Everything is peaceful and pleasant in her kingdom until you challenge her authority. To be viewed as an equal, you must support her actions and join her alliance. Her subjects who disagree with her are constantly put in a difficult decision:

“Do I hold my ground?”

“Do I appease her?”

“Should I just leave?”

The lucky ones learn to stop playing the game. They put a stake in the ground and say “Either we proceed with true mutual respect or I stop interacting with you.” Narcissist put us in this difficult position. In other healthier relationships, it will never get to this point. It goes without saying.

Healthy relationships are based on the true meaning of respect. In healthy relationships there is give and take. Each party has 50% of the responsibility. We can agree to disagree. We don’t alter our thoughts and opinions to please the other person. We stay ourselves. And the other party wouldn’t want it any other way.