I have been so angry at FOO the past 8 months. I'll try and try to think of one good memory. One where I can't think of one underlying ulterior motive. One that is not tarnished with the affects of addiction....
And I came up with Halloween, especially when I was a young kid.
Mom would spend months making my sister and I these elaborate costumes. She would spend hours at her sewing machine. I remember her carefuly taking our measurements and having us try one the costumes as she went for fittings. They were always awesome.
Dad would help us pick just the right pumpkin from the grocery store. Then he would obsessively scape and rinse out the pumpkins (Dad has a way of adding lots of extra work to his projects, a perfectionism trait that I seem to have also taken on). He'd ask us what kind of eyes, nose and mouth we wanted and he'd draw it on and cut it out. When we were a bit older he'd let us draw on the faces.
We would all sit down and have dinner around 4 or 5. After that, our parents helped us get dressed in the costumes and did our hair and makeup. Mom would stay home and pass out the candy. Dad would take us up and down every street in the neighborhood. When our bags got too heavy, he'd take us back home so we could dump them out and head back out for a second round.
I also remember going with them to costume parties. We would always go as a family. I remember one of the rare times they went out on their own. They went to an adult Halloween party. Dad dressed up in his navy uniform and mom in a safari getup. They looked like they were having fun.
Its memories like this that make me think more and more that it was a progression. Not to say there wasn't alcoholism and depression and other personality disorders brewing back then. There was.... but it seemed like they held it together a lot better early on.
Anyway... it was reassuring to finally focus on a good memory. Tonight was DS first Halloween. He lasted until about 7:00 helping us pass out candy and then it was bed time. Next year we'll go trick or treating!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
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The progression--I've had the same pattern...
Although much of my childhood for me is recalled w/ this general overall vague sense of neglect, partic from my Nm, I have alot of good memories as well.
And as you mentioned, similarly it seems like they were better and more 'pure' memories (not tainted by agenda or ulterior motive) when I was a little kid.
My Nm got worse and worse as we got older.
I often think of this as well--
I wonder if the loss of control as we got older, more independent made the risk of 'loss of supply' scarier?? I know for a fact when I moved 500 miles away 9 years ago the antics really picked up.
I was just telling my husband as we carved pumpkins Thurs night, talking about costumes as kids, etc, that I remember my mom making us costumes as kids--and really nice ones. My Dad used to take us trick or treating and I know he did truly love doing it.
(Of note, my Nm NEVER ONCE took us trick or treating!)
I often struggle at moments when I am baking a cookie that she used to bake us (she loved to bake--I do as well now) or remembering a good thing she used to do, a good memory of childhood, with this unbelievable guilt and sadness, this question of 'am I being too hard on her/them?'
But I am always quickly reminded of two things in my mind:
One, as children of abuse, we sometimes question our own judgement. My own memories tend to be foggy. Plus, the brainwashing my Nm did over the years of painting her everything she did as 'so wonderful', etc, that sometimes I think I look back and realize it wasn't that great--she was just making it seem so so she could justify her lack of involvment in all of the other aspects of our rearing.
And, two, when I feel guilty or like I am being too hard on them, I remind myself of all the nonsense, the hurt and the repeated lack of regard for my feelings. Those wounds go so deep that no collection of good childhood memories can fully heal.
They are nice memories, and I am thankful for them, but they are no salve or replacement for the things that my parents SHOULD have been doing.
Great post--
So timely as I have been telling my husband how hard it is sometimes to differentiate the good and bad memories...
'it wasn't all bad', I remind him at times.
But we both know--it wasn't right what she did and what she continues to do.
No amount of gifts or cookies or shopping can substitute for active, loving, unconditional good parenting.
I have friend who had none of the 'good stuff' we had as upper middle class kids, but they had waaayyy more of the 'right' stuff--the unconditional, loving parenting. I would have traded any day!
The good memories always throw me for a loop.
My mother signed me up for jazz dance classes and always made my costumes for the recitals. They were really cute. But then she'd refuse to buy me shoes so I had to wear hers and they were two sizes too big. How do you put those things together into one person?
@Maeve: Good way of putting it--'throw me for a loop'.
It's so confusing the different messages...
For me, I see that alot of the good memories had much to do with what would affect her image, i.e. my piano lessons-->so she could say I play piano, the costumes-->so she'd look talented and 'what a great mom!'.
It was all about reflection.
Honestly, when I look back at most of the baking she did--90% of it went out the door to neighbors, coworkers, etc. People would then view her as 'so generous' and 'such a great baker', etc, but meanwhile we were forced to smell these amazing smells, see the goodiees, but couldn't touch them most of the time!!
It was all about the outside world and so little about the inside world and our family.
What a beautiful memory. I am so glad you have positive things from growing up that have helped shape who you have become today.
Hi, OAD -
It is good that you are willing to give positive credit where positive credit is due . . . even when negative credit would be easier to give . . .
I think most parents do the best they can . . . that most had good intentions . . . (I can't speak for your parents, but I believe mine did.)
Great post!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
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