Stockholm Syndrome: Why We Don't Escape

Today in my surfing and avoiding my day job priorities, I came across an article about Jaycee Dugard discussing why she didn’t try to escape her captor: Stokholm Syndrome. This is definitely a question that is at the tip of many tongues considering how long Jaycee was held captive.

Sure, it would seem logical for one to want to escape their abusers, but what if that abuser puts you in an impossible situation? They may physically restrain you. They may make threats to harm you or your family. Eventually you have to learn to do what the captor wants in order to stop the violence and get some peace of mind. Over time, learning how to calm the abuser may show a softer side of the monster – a side you may develop sympathy for.

According to the article, bonding with a kidnapper is not just a mental coping skill, but a physical survival strategy. Since Dugard's life was at the mercy of the Garridos, and she depended on them for food and shelter, it was in her best interest to bond to protect herself from further abuse. The Live Science article quotes New York trauma psychologist and author Elizabeth Carll:

"Whenever an abuser shows acts of kindness toward you, it shows you some hope that you will survive. That combined with the terror of what could happen sets the stage for wanting to please the abductor, and eventually feeling positive toward the abuser as a way of coping."

Stockholm Syndrome is the name of this phenomenon and is name after an incident that occurred in Stockholm Sweden. Bank employees were held hostage for six days, during which time they bonded with their captors. The hostages resisted rescue, would not testify against their captors and, get this … even raised money for their legal defense!!!

Although the syndrome was named after the 1972 robbery, this psychological defense mechanism was first identified by Anna Freud (daughter of Sigmund Freud) in 1936. Paul G. Mattiuzzi,Ph.D. authored a blog on Every Day Psychology, “Why do Kidnap Victims Sometimes Fail To Escape” in response to the Elizabeth Smart case. He states:

“Ordinarily, it is a normal and healthy process for people to identify with others, such as parents, and to establish loyalty and to take on their traits and their values. But at times, it becomes a perverted form of learning that is necessary for self protection. The need to defend one self can involve a response to both psychic and physical threats…

All that is really required is a twisted mind, violent behavior and a threatening disposition, and the ability to isolate the victim from reality.”

And here we have the definition of how the narcissistic parent has control over their children.

As children, the degree of severity of abuse by the narcissistic parent varies for us all, but the succeeded in threatening us and we respond in a similar manner to our parents as these kidnap victims did to their captors. In a narcissistic home, one or both parent’s needs come before the children. The children are there to fulfill those needs. When the child does not meet that expectation, the parent rages – emotionally, physically or both.

Children quickly adapt to their environments and learn what pleases the narcissistic parent, and what will set them off. As long as the narcissistic parent's needs are met, life can be pleasant for the child. The spectrum of “pleasant” varies – could mean that they are not being beaten at the moment, or it could range to the parent idealizing the child and spoiling them with gifts and praise. What ever “pleasant” is defined to be, the child likes this and will continue to do whatever it takes to keep life peaceful.

It is during this time we form a higher regard for our parents. We see everything they do for us and think they really are not that bad. We see how our actions cause their reactions, and we feel responsible for them. We start to believe they are good parents and that we are just flawed children. We make excuses for their behavior to make our reality seem acceptable.

Society reinforces this image. Parents are place on a pedestal. We are to respect our parents by not questioning their authority. Normally, this is healthy since as children we need to learn respect and limits. In narcissistic homes, the parents abuse their status and hold their children hostage to their needs and expectations. They do not help foster the skills children need to succeed in life outside of their control since the children are never to leave their control.

As a result, adult children of narcissistic parents continue to suffer from Stockholm syndrome. We are grown and by all intents, should be in charge of our own lives. But we cannot cut the cord and until we realize what we are dealing with. We make excuses for our parent’s intrusion in our lives to make this seem normal. We are still governed by “mother/father knows best” and will sacrifice our dreams and relationships to keep our parents happy. Why don’t we escape???

Because, just like when we were children, we are terrified of our parent’s withdrawing their love. We have been condition we need them. Or that they need us and we need to feel needed. Perhaps they are still giving us financial support and we lack the confidence to know we can stand on our own two feet. Our parents are only too happy to reinforce these ideas to keep us under their control.

When we do speak up for ourselves, it is a scary proposition. Asserting independence (ie escaping) is the ultimate act of betrayal for the narcissistic parent. Once we do this and we firmly stated they will not control our lives, they abandon us, withdraw support and love. Often, we will question our decision and feel like we overreacted or disrespected them. We will have moments of “they are not that bad.” We go through scenario after scenario of how we could have approached the situation differently to get them to understand. We want our freedom and their love (however warped it may be). With a narcissistic parent, you can’t have it both ways.

The fact is a narcissist is not going to want to be a part of your life unless they perceive they have control over you. It is may be easy to understand this fact with time and research. However, when it is applied to a parent who you love, it is hard to accept. It has been nearly seven months since discovering my mother possess most of the traits to classify her as having narcissistic personality disorder; I am still coming to terms with this fact. She did some very, very good things for me – things that good mothers do. I felt she loved me. But this was when she perceived she had control and influence over me. When I took that away – making my life choices my responsibility, she disowned me. And it’s not like my life choices were out of line, hurting myself or anybody else. It is perplexing and I don’t think I will ever fully come to terms with it or ever stop being hurt by her actions and occassionally doubting my own.