The Proverbial "Straw that broke the camel's back": The Reason this Blog Exists

In my last post, I summed up my situation. This post is all about the breaking point and why my husband and I decided to go down this road. I may refer to myself a lot - but please don't think I am doing all this on my own. Dealing with my narcissistic mother has become just as much of my husband's problem as mine. Although he has a much different vantage point.


My husband and I are expecting our first born son, literally any day now. Having a child is something we have been planning for even before we were engaged. I love how we talk and strategize about what kind of parents we want to be. It makes me feel so confident that we are going to at least try to be the best parents we can be!


Throughout my whole pregnancy, my father and mother have been less than interested. Mother is only interested when it makes her look good - like when I send her sonogram pictures she can show on her computer. That's about the extent of her interest. Other than that they do not check up on me or ask me how I am doing. If I called them to talk, the topic quickly turned to whatever was bothering them. I'm use to this, so it doesn't hurt too much.


Others, like my in laws and good friends, are so interested. All they can do is ask me questions and get excited about the baby's room and the plans we are making. Sometimes I feel so selfish talking about myself. I get so carried away that someone actually asked how I was doing that I sometimes forget to return the favor!


When I became pregnant, I told my closest friend (CF) and she was so beyond excited for us. She wants to plan the shower.


Now, normally, I suppose you would give first dibs of the baby shower to your mom or sister. Since mom and sister live in the same city, I did call them and asked how they wanted to be involved. Neither committed but sure had a lot of opinions. So I left the party planning in CF's capable hands. All NM does is talk about how busy she is.  I figured she would have spoken up during the planning stages if she changed her mind.

Flash forward to January 30, the night before our baby shower. My father calls me around 8:00 PM because he and mom are at Babies R Us trying to pick out a shower gift. I had to walk them through the registry, all the while listening to Dad reprimand my eldest niece and him telling me exactly what they were getting. I just shook my head. First of all, did our baby shower mean so little to them, that they had to frantically go out at the last minute to shop. They had to make a big ordeal to me about what a big ordeal it was. I told them please don't worry about it, just come to the party. But, "things" is how they show love and make up for not being there for me in the ways that count.


The next day, CF and her husband arrive early to my house with all the stuff she has been working on for months. She didn't forget one detail. She went over and beyond what I would ever expect. My in laws volunteered to cook all the food. We had bbq sandwiches, frog eye salad, cowboy beans, potato salad... no one was going to go hungry. Our theme was western - like DS nursery. And we decided that our shower was going to be non-traditional - meaning it was co-ed, without the girly games, and we decided not to stop the party to open presents. Neither my husband nor I are very show-y people and felt more comfortable opening the presents later by ourselves. I was so grateful for CF and my in-laws, and excited for the party to start.

The party is in full swing.  One of my guests asks where is my mother.  I assured her, you'll hear her when she arrives.  The lady looked at me kinda strange and I instantly felt guilty for implying my mom was going to be obnoxious...  however, I guess I had been preparing for this outcome for a while.
About an hour and a half into the party, my birth family decides to finally show up. My mother has her bleach blonde hair straighten. She is wearing jeans with a blue t-shirt as a way to show she's excited about her grandson. She decided to pair that with her uber fancy diamond and sapphire necklace and earrings. She tops herself off with the most obnoxious pair of Channel white glasses I have ever seen. She's a vision to behold and she is ready to put on a show. She came in like a diva with a chip on her shoulder.


Immediately she demanded I fix her a plate of food and a cold drink. I calmly ushered her towards the buffet line and the ice chest. In a huff I hear her and my father prepare some food and thankfully they go sit down. I finally sit down to my own plate of food that has been cooling off for 15 minutes.


Anytime the doorbell rang, or one of my friends asked me a question, NM would ask me to come to her or do something for her. I ignored her, taking care of my guest and them politely returned to her to see what she wanted. It was usually to make some stupid remark that really wasn't important. Even so, I would politely laugh and try to get back to my food.  At eight months pregnant - my feet were hurting and I was hungry.  All I wanted to do was sit and eat.


At some point, my clever father decided to talk about our new president. My father likes to denote a person's perceived short comings by their race if they are not white. I didn't hear it myself, but my husband did. He said the look of the guests who could hear him was just shock that anyone still behaves like that. Sitting only a few feet away was one of my coworkers who is African America. I so hope that she did not have to hear my ignorant father's remarks.


Also around this time, CF and my mom get into it. CF and my mom had what some would consider a friendship of their own at one point in time. Shortly after DH and I got married, NM and CF would take belly dancing classes together. They've always had what I thought was a friendly, but snarky, banter between the two of them. I didn't think today was any exception.

I didn't hear all of it, but at one point NM is going on and on about how hard it was to buy for a baby boy and to find blue ribbons. CF snapped at her "What - are you not excited about your grandson?" She was obviously joking. But since I was watching at this point, NM decided this was a good time to get offended and assure me that of course she is excited about her grandson. This is the reason why she wore her sapphire jewels!


My husband has a really hot 65 Mustang that he has be restoring for five years. This is his hobby and he has so much pride in it! It is an amazing car! I'm not a jealous wife and I'm quite independent. So his working on his hobby never makes me mad or resentful. I use that time to work on my own hobbies or go do things I enjoy. For whatever reason, the fact that my husband spends so much time with his car is unreasonable to my mother. So she likes to make rude comments about it whenever she can.


The party was no exception. DH took his guy friends out to the garage to show them "the other woman". There they were, just enjoying the car and asking him how it was coming along when NM thought it was a good time to put on a show. She follows them, cherry flavored cigarette in hand, and starts in on the put downs. "Oh that old thing" "I don't understand why anyone would be so interested in a car" "Oh that's what you've been wasting time with your father doing" "You know, DH thinks I scratched it"


Father in law is standing near by and hears her snarky remarks. He looks over at her and just says "Don't touch it, NM".


A little back story... Right after DH and I got married, the Mustang had gotten a paint job. On Christmas day, DH wanted to show her off, so we drove it over to our parent's house. DH took my mother and father outside to see how it turned out. My NM ran over too it, and hauled her big blue jean'ed butt right on the hood, sliding across it just enough to scratch the less than one week old paint job. Everyone saw her do it, but NM and my father deny the fact it ever happened.


DH was furious and so was I. I confronted my mom about it and all she could say was how she just didn't care about cars. She thought he was silly for getting upset about it. Instead of apologizing, she rubs it in just about every time she see him. Makes me feel stupid for even trying to confront her about it. If we ignored it, maybe she would not have ammunition to make us feel even smaller.


Even though FIL snapped at her, NM still didn't get the hint that she wasn't being funny. Apparently, the lack of laughter and the guys ignoring her wasn't sending the message either. Mom walks over to my co-workers fancy, sporty Toyota. It is a very nice car, admittedly. My mom gushes over it saying "Now this is a niiiiiice car. I don't know why anyone would want that piece of junk when you can have this!"

One of our friends whips around and informs her "Anyone crazy enough to compare a Toyota to a classic Mustang obviously doesn't know anything about cars." She finally retreats inside. After she is out of ear shot, another friend (and my former manager) asks DH "What's the deal with OAD's mom? Is she drunk?" Oh if it could be as simple as alcohol. Then there would be a chance that she isn't always this way.


CF wants us to cut the cake. Me and CF picked out a really cute cake - it had horseshoes on it and a little fondant rocking horse on top. While DH and I are trying to cut the cake and pose for pictures, NM is yelling orders at us the whole time "OAD, don't pull the horse off yet" "OAD, hold that where we can see it" "OAD - smile!". The pictures taken during all of this look really cute if you don't know what is going on behind the scenes. You would think DH is rolling his eyes at me trying to be cute. You would think that cheeky smile I am giving the camera is just me playing around. Nope, its the two of us trying very hard to keep our cool in front of our guest in spite of my mother.


A little while later, after eating our cake, I go take some time to talk to NM and the lady she invited to our party without asking us. Now her friend is a very nice lady and I have absolutely nothing against her. Why this sweet woman chooses to be my mother's friend is beyond me. Either she's N, or there's a special place waiting for her in heaven. Mom's being obnoxious. Two of my girlfriends are sitting nearby and I catch their horrified stares every now and then. Then mom asks the loaded question "When are we opening presents?"


"Oh mom, DH and I decided that we are going to wait to open the presents after the party..."


"WHAT! Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you open the presents? How will I know what everyone got you?"


All I could muster out at this point was a feeble "Sorry."


She storms off leaving me with her friend. I am mortified. I explained to her friend that DH and I made this decision a long time ago because we wanted our guest to continue to have fun and not to have to stop and watch us open presents. I don't know why I felt the need to explain myself.


Apparently, I offended my mother so bad she had to go to the backyard and cry. I didn't chase her. When she did come back, her friend said something like "Oh NM, when my daughter has a baby shower, she'll open presents." Great, thanks for fueling the growing guilt. Mom just glares at me, "No one has a baby shower and does not open presents. It is rude."


I somehow sneak off. I don't know what to do. Its a familiar place, kinda like a "Choose Your Own Adventures" book:

Your mom is clearly angry. If you cave into your mom immediately with out talking to DH go directly to divorce court. If you try to convince DH that the decision you two made needs to be changed to pacify your mother, go to arguing about it for the next 3 days. If you choose to hold your ground - run for cover!

I decide to stand my ground. I do not let her come in between decisions DH and I make. I have in the past and it is a disaster for my relationship with DH. The one major, make or break fight we had involved my mother doing this very thing. I love my husband and I will stand by him and our decision.

I tell DH what she did. I see him become angry. He sees I am very upset. I may have stood my ground, but I did not escape a case of extreme NM guilt. I'm looking around our party at our friends wondering if we hurt anyone else by our decision. I feel like we do not deserve a single present, a nice party, or our fancy cake. I feel like an ungrateful, selfish child. Not helping the matter, NM sends both my nieces inside to ask when we are going to open the presents.

The party winds down. My in-laws are helping us clean up. They leave to take home some of their serving dishes and to bring back our dog. They only live two miles away and often watch our obnoxious, but lovable boxer for us. While they are gone, my birth family decides its time to pack up and leave. As they are saying their goodbyes, my in-laws return with the boxer. My mother becomes visibly upset, turns on her heels and stomps to the car. My sister says "Don't pay attention to her. You guys are not doing anything wrong." She gathers up her girls and my dad and they leave.

I later learn that she believes my in-laws will get to watch us open the gifts, which was not the case. NM has a serious jealousy issue about my relationship with my in-laws. She also proclaimed that DH and I made the decision to not open gifts "on purpose to hurt and embarrass her". She also proclaimed that "OAD should have warned me ahead of time that they were not opening presents." How was I suppose to know that this out of everything I did that day was going to set her off?  And on top of that, I had explained to her that this was not a traditional baby shower - but she choose not to take an interest in what I was saying.

Soon we are alone and all I could do was look at the pile of presents and cry. Besides the guilt, there is an anger welling up inside me. I'm obviously angry at her and how foolish and mean she is. But I am also angry at myself for letting her ruin our special day. A day that was suppose to be about me and my husband and our little boy. Her stink is all over it.