The Aftermath

I went through a lot of emotions after the baby shower. I had guilt, anger, sadness, resentment... all of which my patient husband stood by me through. He was always there to talk. He was angry too and we both knew things were going to have to change.

I look at the small pile of presents that my parents gave me for the shower and I don't know what to do with them. The swing I dub "The Swing of Guilt" and I can't bear the thought of putting DS in it. To add insult to injury, they didn't even get us the right one, but I digress. Mom bought a bunch of cute pajamas, but again I don't know how I could ever dress DS in them without feeling guilt or rage. So they sit in a pile until I figure out what to do with them.

On Sunday, I didn't know how to respond to my parents. My sister and I had talked a couple of times. She felt that perhaps I should call and try to smooth things over. I didn't really feel like it was my responsibility to do that. She told me "Mom thinks she is losing you. Why don't you invite her into the delivery room when DS is born?"

Uh, what! There is no way that woman is coming anywhere near me while I am that vulnerable. The only people I want in there is my doctor, a nurse and the man who knocked me up.

I did decide I needed to at least thank them for coming all the way out to our house for the party and for their gifts. I was hoping and expecting to leave this on their answering machine. Instead I get my father.

"Hi Dad"

"Hello"

"Uh, I wanted to thank you and mom for coming yesterday. It was really great to have you all there. And thank you for DS's gifts"

Silence....

"So, um, I take it you are really busy, so I'll let you get back to it"

"Yeah, I got things to do. Talk to you later."

Wow. That was super cold. They sure are mad at me. I'm more pissed off than hurt. I tell DH and we just shake our heads. I'm determine to make a change now! I decide to do something I should have done a very long time ago. I decide its time to go into therapy.

At 8 months pregnant I am feeling lost and alone and I just need some direction with my family situation. So Monday at work, I call our employee help line and find out how I can get into see a therapist. They send me to a website to do a search. There were so many therapist I didn't know how to decide. Seeing how I'm pregnant and in a stressful situation that doesn't look like its going to get better any time soon, I decided to look for someone who specializes in post partum depression. Only one name comes up. I call her and make an appointment for that Friday.

On Tuesday, Dad pops by my office. He said that mom just got a little too over excited at the party and was hurt that she couldn't see or touch the pretty baby things. I said, ok. Then he said to not listen to my sister, that she's not right in the head... ok... And he added that Mom had no interest in being in the delivery room, that she was only there for my sister since she didn't have anybody. Oh thank the Lord! One less thing to feel guilty about. Its a bunch of bull shit, but I'll take it.

He did add that he talked to my Grandma and how she couldn't understand why we wouldn't open gifts. Oh, there's the guilt punch again.

I started to think this may be a good point to sweep it under the rug. Mom, or at least Dad, kinda admitted that her behavior was off. But then he pulls out this:

"And your friend is to not be anywhere near me an your Mom. No one will disrespect her like that again."

What!?!? Funny. Just that morning DH's mom was asking DH why my mom would treat CF so badly after everything CF did for us? Dear, sweet, MIL was in tears over it. And where do they get off telling me to keep CF away from them. Are they not adults? Fuck that. CF didn't do a thing wrong and they are looking for a scapegoat. Better to blame someone besides me or DH so they can still justify their position and not lose their glory day with their grandson's birth.

I keep my therapist appointment. That Friday I go to see my therapist for the first time. I explain my situation to her. The first thing she tells me is that "Less is going to be more with your family". I totally understand. DH and I have been distancing ourselves for a while. Things only get more unpleasant when we get too familiar with them.

I finally get to explain to her what my mother did at my party. There's a lot of "Oh you denied her" and "Well she thinks the party was about her". Obviously this lady is getting it. She then informs me that my mother is a narcissist and tells me to get the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

We also discuss my husbands role in this mess. I express to her my fear that if I continue interacting with my family the way I always have, someday DH is going to want to call it quits with me. I tell her I know its unfair that I try to force him to "fall in line" just to maintain the peace. Now with a child on the way, its more important than ever I establish my budding family comes first, even before my birth family. The decisions we make for our family are ours and NM gets no say. She needs to respect us.

T emphasizes that it is important to set boundaries with my family. She says its not that I'm shutting them out, but that I am putting up a gate and they only get to come in if they respect our boundaries. She wants to meet with me and DH for the next session.

DH and I went and got the book. I also pick up the book Children of the Self Absorbed. I had also been reading Toxic Parents, a book DH picked up for me while we were engaged. Toxic Parents helped me get through the week before I saw the T. I started reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough and its like a brand new world opened up to me! I saw me, my sister, my father and most of all my mother as if we were text book examples of what NPD does to a family. I couldn't put it down. Its like I was finally being validated after 29 years of thinking I was the crazy one.

Being validated feels great, but the work ahead of me is terrifying. Basically, what I learned is my mother is never ever going to change. Deep inside I always knew that. However, now I needed to make a change in my relationship with her. The stakes are high. I feel like I must protect the ones I love from the ones I love. Its a horrible place to be. There are some huge hurdles for me to cross in a short amount of time.