One of the most disturbing things my mother ever said to me was “You’ll never look as good as you did your freshman year of high school.”
I was completely knocked down. I was a junior in high school and one of my friends had told me I look like a Barbie Doll – in a nice way and that’s the way I took it. Maybe it was I subconsciously knew how much my mother valued her Barbie collection, or how for years she tightly wound my bangs in foam curlers to make my hair look just like one of her favorite doll, but I stupidly thought this would impress her.
Instead, she knocked me down with this one line. I remember having enough wits about me at the time that I asked “Why would you say that? Are you saying I’ll never be that beautiful again?”
She corrected me. “OAD that was a compliment. Don’t you know how to take a compliment? You were on swim team, and your hair was so highlighted and skin so tan from being in the sun. You were so skinny. Here look at this picture. See how beautiful you were?”
And she removed my swim team picture from the fridge and shoved it into my face.
There I was in my team suit, posed on the diving platform with a big happy smile. Yes that summer before freshman year had been kind to me. All summer long I had participated in synchronized swimming with my closest childhood friend. The class took place a noon in the peak of the Tucson summer. I slathered my pale body head to toe with sunscreen and surprisingly I tanned instead of turning into a lobster. Of course, all thanks to Mother who bought the obnoxiously expensive san tan lotion. My diligence in applying it did not play into the equation.
And yes, my already long blond locks were kissed with the sun. A few weeks later, I joined the high school swim team and whittled my 5’ 5” and growing frame down to a size seven and 127 pounds. Meanwhile, Mother Nature was just waving the wand of womanhood, sending my child body into transition.
In a way, Mom was right. Those events that supposedly brought upon my peak of beauty in my mother’s eyes would never happen again. Her “compliment” set an impossible bar of beauty – 127 pounds, size 7, perfectly tanned and highlighted hair.
I thought for the longest time “Well, that’s it.” And from that point on whenever someone complemented my appearance or congratulated me on loosing a few pounds I would think “Yeah – but you should have seen me when I was 14!” (Sounds completely rediculous just typing it) I always viewed my mother as the be all and end all opinion on every matter concerning me. After all, she told me “No one will love you like I love you” so that must mean her opinion meant more than that of my friends or other “outsiders.”
Any time I decided I needed to lose a few pounds, 127 was always my goal. I didn’t matter that I was now 5’ 7” and had the body of an adult woman. Nope, it was either 127 or it wasn’t good enough. I had to recover the body of my former prime. Some things were easier – I could pay lots of money to get my hair highlighted and get a spray on tan. Achieving the former weight and clothing size was a loosing battle.
Short of starving my self and living in the gym, that just isn’t going to happen. I have a love affair with food … ok scratch that … addiction to food. And even before marriage and kids, I didn’t spend every spare minute in the gym. After college I did hire a trainer and a nutritionist. I shed 25 pounds and was in better physical shape than even when I was that 14 year old “bombshell”, even if I didn’t weigh any where near 127 and only managed a size 8.
One night, I was prancing in front of the mirror and I realized something. Although my body was turning into the shape I thought I wanted (scratch that – one my mother would once again consider beautiful), I didn’t recognize myself. So much of my identity is tied up with being on the slightly pudgy side. There was something a bit off setting about seeing hip bones and muscle replacing the protective layer around my middle. I realized I had to be comfortable in my own skin, and if I was comfortable in a size 12, then that was fine.
Even though I learned that there is a comfort zone for me, that one backhanded compliment still stings 16 years later. As I go head long into my other New Year’s resolution (exercise more and eat healthier) I have been reflecting on that comment, the effect it has had on me, its nastiness, and the fact that it just plain isn’t true. The only thing I owe myself was to be the healthiest size 12 I can be.
I won’t deny it, the 14 year old girl on the verge of womanhood did look amazing! Reflecting back on other events of my life, there were many other times I felt or looked just as beautiful – or maybe even more so. I was beautiful that day my band mate told me I looked like a Barbie doll – and a year later when I went to prom with my high school sweet heart. I remember feeling so cute and confident in my tennis uniform, slamming the ball at the net during matches (much more so than that ackward, self conscious 14 year old in the swimsuit). Even though I ended up with a body I didn't recognize the summer after college, I looked and felt amazing then too.
There’s no denying that my husband thought I was beautiful the afternoon I walked down the aisle to marry him. You can just see it in that one picture we have where he is leaning far to the side, beaming, just to watch me. And hands down, the most beautiful I’ve ever felt was when I had a red turning purple, scrunched up face, with sweaty hair, in a hospital gown, bringing my son into the world.
I now know Mom was also dead wrong. As far as beauty goes I haven’t peaked. There is another component to beauty that cannot be seen in that old picture. It’s the part that comes from within. It is learning to be comfortable in my own skin and once I do that, the confidence will show on the outside. Beauty is also about being a beautiful soul, something I will work for to the day I die. I know I’m no where near my peak in that department.
Knowing one is beautiful doesn’t come from outside sources, although I must admit, external validation is mighty nice! What I am realizing is some of those compliments I received in the past were not based solely my outward appearance being pleasing. They were expressed by people close to me who valued who I was on the inside too. They got the whole picture.
And as far as outward appearance, if I just keep following my path of treating my body right, I know the best is yet to come.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Narcissist: A User Guide (free E-Book now Available)
Hands down, the hardest part of discovering I had a narcissist in my life was deciding what I was going to do about it. I didn’t ask to be in a toxic situation, I’m being told it is not my fault, but nonetheless I have to do something about it. It is not fair, it sucks and it hurts because the relationship was with someone I love, who gave me life – my mother.
Because of all the feelings tied up with the NPD person, the first instinct is to try to save the relationship. Healthy people try to use reason and compromise. The narcissist only uses tactics that preserve their false self. There is no winning. In fact, your use of logic, explaining your feelings and an expression of your desire to change may only prove to do one thing: Make the narcissist a better narcissist. They play dirty and the last thing you want to do is give them ammunition for their drama gun which has you fixed in its sights.
Eventually, I discovered first hand something I’ve heard over and over again “You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself.” Never has that statement been truer. Even though you are not the narcissist, you are the other half of the equation – the supply. Remove the supply and they can’t feed off of you.
But… how?
Navigating your way through all the information on NPD can be daunting. There seems to be many definitions and explanations, but only brief mentions of setting boundaries or limiting contact. Personally, I felt lost and out of control when staring at my options. It felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and I didn’t know how far the fall was going to be and how bad it would hurt when I landed. My only option was to jump.
It seems like a simple answer – choosing health over insanity. However, staring down into the abyss of the unknown – even if it is supposedly better for us – is anxiety provoking. No matter how much the NPD person tries to convince you otherwise, you are going to survive. Look at it more as a jumping with a parachute. The more you know and the more support you gather, the stronger and more effective that parachute becomes. Eventually you will make a gentle landing on the other side.
The parachute is not built alone. We find the self esteem building validation we seek in trusted family members, our spouses, our friends, and others who have gone through it before. We reach out to strangers over our blogs and discussion boards and find support and friendship. As one DoNM often puts it “Welcome to the club nobody wants to be part of.”
If our club was to have a welcome packet – it should include Betsy Wuebker and Lori Hoeck’s new (free) e-book, The Narcissist: A User's Guide. Betsy and Lori’s collaboration is based on years of first hand experience with narcissist. At 29 pages long, it is a crash course in narcissism, but it touches on everything someone about to make the jump to emotional freedom would want to know. Going beyond a definition and validation of what you are experiencing, Betsy and Lori provide guidance to help you answer the most common “How?” questions:
I feel Chapter Four: Strategies to Negate a Narcissist, is a must read for anyone who is considering confronting their narcissist. Explaining why standing your ground is your best option, the authors also offer tangible examples on how to set boundaries. In my experience I hardly knew what a boundary was when I decided to set them – so having these types of examples early in the process would be valuable. There were a number of statements that I found to be inspirational and just reading them aloud made me feel more resolved.
This chapter also set expectations in that boundary setting most likely will not change the narcissist, but it will make you feel better and will give you the control over the relationship you have never experienced.
Chapter Five: When it is Time to Leave prepares you for the backlash of leaving the relationship. If I have learned anything in the past year, it is that narcissists typically respond in a similar manner when they lose their supply and use similar tactics to get you to re-submit to them. They use FOG – Fear, Obligation, Guilt – to corner you back into the role they have designed for you. You are a puppet in their false reality. Realizing you can abandon that role is freeing. Knowing what to expect helps you to keep your resolve to choose healthy relationships.
Speaking of narcissist typically all behaving alike, Chapter Three: How Can I tell I’m Dealing with a Narcissist? provides insight to their secret weapon arsenal. This is useful reading for those of us who have a narcissistic parent. We typically only understand the dysfunctional relationship and only recently discovered it is not OK. As such, we require help knowing what to look for so we can avoid similar relationships in the future. I especially appreciated the interview questions which detailed a typical healthy response and a narcissistic one.
As far as avoiding narcissistic relationships, recognizing the narcissist is half the battle. Chapter 6: Avoiding Future Encounter addresses the change we make in ourselves so we don’t become targets. It is a long road, but this is also the rewarding part! Changing involves building our self esteem, confidence, and building healthy boundaries around our emotions and physical beings. It is feeling the pain and facing our fears so we are no longer vulnerable. This is the work that improves our quality of life. The more successful we are at this, the less tasty we will seem to hungry narcissists looking for supply.
The Narcissist: A User Guide becomes available today and can be found on either author’s website. This is a quick read, offering powerful strategies and insights that can help at any stage of the journey. If you have just discovered you are in a relationship with a NPD person, I feel this e-Book is a good starting point and provides excellent references for additional reading.
The authors
Betsy Wuebker(http://passingthru.com/ ) is an entrepreneur and a writer at PassingThru. As a very interested observer—always looking for the “why”—her encounters with narcissists in the workplace and extended family dynamics led her from observations to conclusions. Collaborating with Lori, whose insights and experiences are so remarkably similar, is a way to share these findings and tips in the hopes that others may extricate themselves from harmful situations and move on to healthier, happier living.
Lori Hoeck (http://thinklikeablackbelt.com ) is a writer and senior martial arts instructor currently helping people discover the power of physical, mental, and emotional self defense at her website, Think Like A Black Belt. Like Betsy, Lori enjoys exploring the inner workings of a topic—like narcissism or self defense—and then melding research and personal experience into actionable resources for others.
Because of all the feelings tied up with the NPD person, the first instinct is to try to save the relationship. Healthy people try to use reason and compromise. The narcissist only uses tactics that preserve their false self. There is no winning. In fact, your use of logic, explaining your feelings and an expression of your desire to change may only prove to do one thing: Make the narcissist a better narcissist. They play dirty and the last thing you want to do is give them ammunition for their drama gun which has you fixed in its sights.
Eventually, I discovered first hand something I’ve heard over and over again “You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself.” Never has that statement been truer. Even though you are not the narcissist, you are the other half of the equation – the supply. Remove the supply and they can’t feed off of you.
But… how?
Navigating your way through all the information on NPD can be daunting. There seems to be many definitions and explanations, but only brief mentions of setting boundaries or limiting contact. Personally, I felt lost and out of control when staring at my options. It felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and I didn’t know how far the fall was going to be and how bad it would hurt when I landed. My only option was to jump.
It seems like a simple answer – choosing health over insanity. However, staring down into the abyss of the unknown – even if it is supposedly better for us – is anxiety provoking. No matter how much the NPD person tries to convince you otherwise, you are going to survive. Look at it more as a jumping with a parachute. The more you know and the more support you gather, the stronger and more effective that parachute becomes. Eventually you will make a gentle landing on the other side.
The parachute is not built alone. We find the self esteem building validation we seek in trusted family members, our spouses, our friends, and others who have gone through it before. We reach out to strangers over our blogs and discussion boards and find support and friendship. As one DoNM often puts it “Welcome to the club nobody wants to be part of.”
If our club was to have a welcome packet – it should include Betsy Wuebker and Lori Hoeck’s new (free) e-book, The Narcissist: A User's Guide. Betsy and Lori’s collaboration is based on years of first hand experience with narcissist. At 29 pages long, it is a crash course in narcissism, but it touches on everything someone about to make the jump to emotional freedom would want to know. Going beyond a definition and validation of what you are experiencing, Betsy and Lori provide guidance to help you answer the most common “How?” questions:
• How can I know if I am dealing with a narcissist? (Chapter Two)The value of the advice given is that it is aimed at making a positive change in you, rather than dwelling on the person with the disorder. It is taking control of what can be changed and accepting what cannot.
• How do I interact with a narcissist? (Chapter Four)
• How do I know if I should leave the relationship? (Chapter Five)
• How do I protect myself from narcissistic relationships in the future? (Chapter 6)
I feel Chapter Four: Strategies to Negate a Narcissist, is a must read for anyone who is considering confronting their narcissist. Explaining why standing your ground is your best option, the authors also offer tangible examples on how to set boundaries. In my experience I hardly knew what a boundary was when I decided to set them – so having these types of examples early in the process would be valuable. There were a number of statements that I found to be inspirational and just reading them aloud made me feel more resolved.
This chapter also set expectations in that boundary setting most likely will not change the narcissist, but it will make you feel better and will give you the control over the relationship you have never experienced.
Chapter Five: When it is Time to Leave prepares you for the backlash of leaving the relationship. If I have learned anything in the past year, it is that narcissists typically respond in a similar manner when they lose their supply and use similar tactics to get you to re-submit to them. They use FOG – Fear, Obligation, Guilt – to corner you back into the role they have designed for you. You are a puppet in their false reality. Realizing you can abandon that role is freeing. Knowing what to expect helps you to keep your resolve to choose healthy relationships.
Speaking of narcissist typically all behaving alike, Chapter Three: How Can I tell I’m Dealing with a Narcissist? provides insight to their secret weapon arsenal. This is useful reading for those of us who have a narcissistic parent. We typically only understand the dysfunctional relationship and only recently discovered it is not OK. As such, we require help knowing what to look for so we can avoid similar relationships in the future. I especially appreciated the interview questions which detailed a typical healthy response and a narcissistic one.
As far as avoiding narcissistic relationships, recognizing the narcissist is half the battle. Chapter 6: Avoiding Future Encounter addresses the change we make in ourselves so we don’t become targets. It is a long road, but this is also the rewarding part! Changing involves building our self esteem, confidence, and building healthy boundaries around our emotions and physical beings. It is feeling the pain and facing our fears so we are no longer vulnerable. This is the work that improves our quality of life. The more successful we are at this, the less tasty we will seem to hungry narcissists looking for supply.
The Narcissist: A User Guide becomes available today and can be found on either author’s website. This is a quick read, offering powerful strategies and insights that can help at any stage of the journey. If you have just discovered you are in a relationship with a NPD person, I feel this e-Book is a good starting point and provides excellent references for additional reading.
The authors
Betsy Wuebker(http://passingthru.com/ ) is an entrepreneur and a writer at PassingThru. As a very interested observer—always looking for the “why”—her encounters with narcissists in the workplace and extended family dynamics led her from observations to conclusions. Collaborating with Lori, whose insights and experiences are so remarkably similar, is a way to share these findings and tips in the hopes that others may extricate themselves from harmful situations and move on to healthier, happier living.
Lori Hoeck (http://thinklikeablackbelt.com ) is a writer and senior martial arts instructor currently helping people discover the power of physical, mental, and emotional self defense at her website, Think Like A Black Belt. Like Betsy, Lori enjoys exploring the inner workings of a topic—like narcissism or self defense—and then melding research and personal experience into actionable resources for others.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
One Year Ago Today
This time, one year ago, our Baby Party had just started. At about this time, I remember being in the kitchen, talking to the wives of a couple co-workers about starting DS’s baby book. One of them who knew how mom and I would go to her scrap booking parties asked if my family was coming. I remembered replying “Oh yes, my Mom always makes an entrance.” I remember her giving me a puzzled look. “Let’s just say you’ll hear her when she comes.”
What I needed to have was a tornado siren sound when she entered, because after she stormed out, my emotions where strewn like debris all over the void she left. I fluctuated from guilt, to hate, to sadness, to anger, to regret, until I finally landed on determination. At 7:00 PM, in tears and with a broken heart, I decided I would have to change. I decided I would call a therapist because I figured I just didn’t know how to communicate with my family. I needed someone unrelated to me to tell me if I was really as bad of a villain my mother made me out to be.
Thank God I called and found her. I didn’t know to look for a therapist who specialized in personality disorders – must have been divine intervention I decided to pick her name out of the list my insurance company provided me. I don’t know if you ever read this blog – or if you still do – but thank you for pointing me in the right direction.
In the span of a year I’ve gone from striving for acceptance in my parents’ eyes to being satisfied with accepting myself. I’m not cured and I still struggling, but I am light years away from that broken hearted girl who thought she was the worse, most selfish person in the whole world for not opening gifts in front of everyone to appease her mother. It all seems so silly now.
But thank God for the journey. I have met some incredible people along the way – many on the DoNM boards, those who leave comments or email me through this blog, those who reached out to me to offered words of encouragement and those who said I was brave and my experience actually have helped them. I don’t know how to express how much it all means to me. I am grateful for each and every one of you.
It shows in my relationship with my husband. We are stronger because we stood together. I learned I could completely breakdown and fall apart and have someone support me. I never did that before, because I was to be the strong one and if I fell, no one would catch me. We are living life on our terms and no more do I ask the question “If we do this, will it upset my mother?” We have our standards, we live in an acceptable way, and we are happy. We have future dreams and aspiration with no strings attached.
It shows in my career. I am finally learning how to be assertive and got a thicker skin. Because I am sure of myself and don’t try to be 100% perfect all the time, I actually enjoy my job. And it is showing! Despite taking time off to have a baby and all the hardships with my family, I am actually excelling at my job. I have a career path and achieving milestones!
I still have intense moments of sadness on a regular basis. I will always have one mother, one father and one sister. I love them very much but I just don’t know how to fix us. Scratch that, I can’t fix us. I can only fix me. I do miss them. I do not miss the emotional roller coaster they take me on. I do not miss the work of supporting the dysfunction of ignoring problems and keeping up the happy family façade to the world. I do not miss addiction that never gets better – whether it is to a chemical substance, a person, or the drama that surrounds the whole dynamic. One day, I hope we can all work towards a healthier dynamic. Until that day, I can only concentrate on my own.
Ironically, I am going to a baby shower this evening. I am taking my DS with me. Maybe this is too much to put on someone who isn’t even one yet, but he is kinda like my superhero. It was my love for him and my desire to bring him into a peaceful world that propelled me to work for a change in the first place. There was something powerful that night as I stood there caressing my swollen belly and feeling him move inside me. The alarm clock had gone off and I couldn’t push snooze any more. I had to do something different, because the status quo was killing me.
The outcome isn’t what I had first envisioned. My first choice always has been for me and my family to come to an understanding and work towards change together. I’ve had to accept that may never happen. However, reality today is much better than the crazy making reality of a year ago and who knows what the next year will bring.
What I needed to have was a tornado siren sound when she entered, because after she stormed out, my emotions where strewn like debris all over the void she left. I fluctuated from guilt, to hate, to sadness, to anger, to regret, until I finally landed on determination. At 7:00 PM, in tears and with a broken heart, I decided I would have to change. I decided I would call a therapist because I figured I just didn’t know how to communicate with my family. I needed someone unrelated to me to tell me if I was really as bad of a villain my mother made me out to be.
Thank God I called and found her. I didn’t know to look for a therapist who specialized in personality disorders – must have been divine intervention I decided to pick her name out of the list my insurance company provided me. I don’t know if you ever read this blog – or if you still do – but thank you for pointing me in the right direction.
In the span of a year I’ve gone from striving for acceptance in my parents’ eyes to being satisfied with accepting myself. I’m not cured and I still struggling, but I am light years away from that broken hearted girl who thought she was the worse, most selfish person in the whole world for not opening gifts in front of everyone to appease her mother. It all seems so silly now.
But thank God for the journey. I have met some incredible people along the way – many on the DoNM boards, those who leave comments or email me through this blog, those who reached out to me to offered words of encouragement and those who said I was brave and my experience actually have helped them. I don’t know how to express how much it all means to me. I am grateful for each and every one of you.
It shows in my relationship with my husband. We are stronger because we stood together. I learned I could completely breakdown and fall apart and have someone support me. I never did that before, because I was to be the strong one and if I fell, no one would catch me. We are living life on our terms and no more do I ask the question “If we do this, will it upset my mother?” We have our standards, we live in an acceptable way, and we are happy. We have future dreams and aspiration with no strings attached.
It shows in my career. I am finally learning how to be assertive and got a thicker skin. Because I am sure of myself and don’t try to be 100% perfect all the time, I actually enjoy my job. And it is showing! Despite taking time off to have a baby and all the hardships with my family, I am actually excelling at my job. I have a career path and achieving milestones!
I still have intense moments of sadness on a regular basis. I will always have one mother, one father and one sister. I love them very much but I just don’t know how to fix us. Scratch that, I can’t fix us. I can only fix me. I do miss them. I do not miss the emotional roller coaster they take me on. I do not miss the work of supporting the dysfunction of ignoring problems and keeping up the happy family façade to the world. I do not miss addiction that never gets better – whether it is to a chemical substance, a person, or the drama that surrounds the whole dynamic. One day, I hope we can all work towards a healthier dynamic. Until that day, I can only concentrate on my own.
Ironically, I am going to a baby shower this evening. I am taking my DS with me. Maybe this is too much to put on someone who isn’t even one yet, but he is kinda like my superhero. It was my love for him and my desire to bring him into a peaceful world that propelled me to work for a change in the first place. There was something powerful that night as I stood there caressing my swollen belly and feeling him move inside me. The alarm clock had gone off and I couldn’t push snooze any more. I had to do something different, because the status quo was killing me.
The outcome isn’t what I had first envisioned. My first choice always has been for me and my family to come to an understanding and work towards change together. I’ve had to accept that may never happen. However, reality today is much better than the crazy making reality of a year ago and who knows what the next year will bring.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
New Years Resolutions
Yep I got a few… Be a good mom/wife, eat right, exercise more, fortify my boundaries and respect others, excel at my job…
But there is one more – one I mentioned last year – that is important and won’t take a huge sacrifice in time or money. In fact, I encourage anyone reading my blog to do with me (if they haven’t already).
Take a Self Defense Course.
I first learned about the importance of taking a self defense when I read “My Answer is No – If That’s OK with You.” What got me interested was not the obvious and equally as important reason – to physical protection. Instead, what swayed my decision is the fact in order to protect yourself physically, you also have to protect yourself emotionally. A benefit of learning self defense is learning to protect your inner self too.
Last week I discovered a blog called “Think Like a Black Belt” by Lori Hoeck and read the following:
Check out Lori’s blog for yourself. She along with Betsy Wuebker of the blog Passing Thru will be starting a series focusing on “Why are narcissists such crazy-makers?” this month. Lori also features advice on recognizing tactics of emotional abusers and ways to deflect them.
Lori has authored a free e-book on self-defense that can be found here: http://thinklikeablackbelt.com/book-think-like-a-black-belt
If you are in Tucson – here are some links to Women’s Self Defense Courses that have upcoming classes. There are a variety of classes – so check out each website and call to find your best fit. I listed classes geared towards Women and are just one or two days just to get us started.
Ultima Self Defense and Fitness (520) 721-2348
Krav Maga Classes for men and women! Intro Course
Next Class: 2/13/10 at both locations
Combat Fit 520-396-4864
Women's Saturday 2 hour Workshop
Next Class: 2/20/2010
Kodenkan of Tucson Martial Arts & Fitness 520.722.1863
Womens Self-Defense 2 day weekend class
Next Class: 2/27/10 – 2/28/10
Ko Sho 520-909-1355
Women's Self Defense
Private Sessions – call to book
Kodenkan Martial Arts Academy (520) 323 - 9424
Women's Self Defense
Wednesday 6:00pm to 7:30pm
Tucson Fitness Training (520) 260-5085
Woman's Self Defense in Tucson
Call for info
Warrior School (520) 548-7434
Female Fight Back
Next Class: 1/23/2010 (Sahuarita)
2/6/2010 (Marana)
3/27/2010(Marana)
But there is one more – one I mentioned last year – that is important and won’t take a huge sacrifice in time or money. In fact, I encourage anyone reading my blog to do with me (if they haven’t already).
Take a Self Defense Course.
I first learned about the importance of taking a self defense when I read “My Answer is No – If That’s OK with You.” What got me interested was not the obvious and equally as important reason – to physical protection. Instead, what swayed my decision is the fact in order to protect yourself physically, you also have to protect yourself emotionally. A benefit of learning self defense is learning to protect your inner self too.
Last week I discovered a blog called “Think Like a Black Belt” by Lori Hoeck and read the following:
Yet, when self defense is learned as a life skill, the resulting boundary setting abilities, the awareness, and the body language knowledge can develop a powerful and healthy sense of:Well that set my resolve once again. I will be signing up for the class I’ve been eyeing today.
• “I am worth defending.”
• “My emotions are worth protecting.”
• “My well-being is worth leaving the influence of users, abusers, and narcissists.”
Check out Lori’s blog for yourself. She along with Betsy Wuebker of the blog Passing Thru will be starting a series focusing on “Why are narcissists such crazy-makers?” this month. Lori also features advice on recognizing tactics of emotional abusers and ways to deflect them.
Lori has authored a free e-book on self-defense that can be found here: http://thinklikeablackbelt.com/book-think-like-a-black-belt
If you are in Tucson – here are some links to Women’s Self Defense Courses that have upcoming classes. There are a variety of classes – so check out each website and call to find your best fit. I listed classes geared towards Women and are just one or two days just to get us started.
Ultima Self Defense and Fitness (520) 721-2348
Krav Maga Classes for men and women! Intro Course
Next Class: 2/13/10 at both locations
Combat Fit 520-396-4864
Women's Saturday 2 hour Workshop
Next Class: 2/20/2010
Kodenkan of Tucson Martial Arts & Fitness 520.722.1863
Womens Self-Defense 2 day weekend class
Next Class: 2/27/10 – 2/28/10
Ko Sho 520-909-1355
Women's Self Defense
Private Sessions – call to book
Kodenkan Martial Arts Academy (520) 323 - 9424
Women's Self Defense
Wednesday 6:00pm to 7:30pm
Tucson Fitness Training (520) 260-5085
Woman's Self Defense in Tucson
Call for info
Warrior School (520) 548-7434
Female Fight Back
Next Class: 1/23/2010 (Sahuarita)
2/6/2010 (Marana)
3/27/2010(Marana)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Couple’s Therapy
When I was a kid – I want to say maybe around 10 or so – my parents went to couples therapy. It didn’t go well.
After a session or two, Mom came home and said the therapist was trying to destroy their marriage – suggesting that divorce was an option. She declared that she was a Catholic and divorce was never an option. She also said something about how “that woman” didn’t believe Dad had an alcohol problem. She also believed “that woman” had a thing for Dad.
She quit going – Dad kept going. Their relationship started to drastically change.
Dad started taking more interest in his appearance. I don’t recall him drinking as much during this time. He started standing up to my mom and became very assertive. One thing I remember is he would keep her out of the bedroom while he was getting dressed. She got really upset that he wouldn’t allow her in.
Mom started sleeping in another room. They all but stopped talking. She blamed every thing on “that woman” and was sure they were having an affair.
For so long, I thought maybe the therapist handled it wrong. I didn’t think she was seducing my father, but I did think she should have refused to continue seeing him alone. It was suppose to be couple’s therapy.
Now – I have a new theory. I suspect my mother went in there with the intention of pinning their relationship problems solely on my father’s drinking. I further believe the therapist saw they were both responsible for the marriage and therefore wanted to concentrate on behaviors my mom was exhibiting that were causing problems. Maybe this therapist was very blunt and my mother cannot hear criticism. So she walked out.
Meanwhile, I bet Dad was getting validated by the therapist. Perhaps this was the first time he felt like he was being understood. I strongly believe now my father’s behavior changed because he got a little self confidence and started to set boundaries. Mom doesn’t like boundaries, so she overreacted, accused him of cheating, and stormed off to the guest room to punish him.
Dad’s not Catholic, so why did he stay? Maybe it was for me and my sister – at least that is what I want to believe. Maybe he was scared? Maybe he loved my mom so much he really wanted to stay? Who knows … maybe someday he’ll tell me.
From that point on, any chance of family therapy was doomed. Mom will not participate if the therapist wants to look at their marriage. The family therapist we saw after my sister's suicide attempt (just one session – that is how well it went) wanted to work with my parents on their relationship and she flat out refused her. I wonder sometimes if witnessing my mother’s blatant refusal of the therapist influenced my sister’s decision to do the same a few minutes later? And although it came a few weeks later, it affected mine (and perhaps my father as well) intentions on continuing alone.
Memories of that session make me sad. My dad doesn’t cry, but when the therapist was talking to him about what had happen to my sister, he started crying. Mom and my sister sat there stone faced. I was numb from the constant chaos of the past six months until I saw how upset he was. He didn’t say much, but he was there, he was feeling it. Looking back, I think we were all looking to my mother with how to proceed since she was the leader. When she said no, it all fell apart.
I do believe if we were all willing to do our part to fix the family dynamic back then, we wouldn’t be where we are today. Heck, I still believe if there was a willingness to let down our guards, admit something is wrong and we need help, what is broken can still be mended. I think these changes have to start at the individual level, because if we wait for everyone to be ready, it may never happen.
After a session or two, Mom came home and said the therapist was trying to destroy their marriage – suggesting that divorce was an option. She declared that she was a Catholic and divorce was never an option. She also said something about how “that woman” didn’t believe Dad had an alcohol problem. She also believed “that woman” had a thing for Dad.
She quit going – Dad kept going. Their relationship started to drastically change.
Dad started taking more interest in his appearance. I don’t recall him drinking as much during this time. He started standing up to my mom and became very assertive. One thing I remember is he would keep her out of the bedroom while he was getting dressed. She got really upset that he wouldn’t allow her in.
Mom started sleeping in another room. They all but stopped talking. She blamed every thing on “that woman” and was sure they were having an affair.
For so long, I thought maybe the therapist handled it wrong. I didn’t think she was seducing my father, but I did think she should have refused to continue seeing him alone. It was suppose to be couple’s therapy.
Now – I have a new theory. I suspect my mother went in there with the intention of pinning their relationship problems solely on my father’s drinking. I further believe the therapist saw they were both responsible for the marriage and therefore wanted to concentrate on behaviors my mom was exhibiting that were causing problems. Maybe this therapist was very blunt and my mother cannot hear criticism. So she walked out.
Meanwhile, I bet Dad was getting validated by the therapist. Perhaps this was the first time he felt like he was being understood. I strongly believe now my father’s behavior changed because he got a little self confidence and started to set boundaries. Mom doesn’t like boundaries, so she overreacted, accused him of cheating, and stormed off to the guest room to punish him.
Dad’s not Catholic, so why did he stay? Maybe it was for me and my sister – at least that is what I want to believe. Maybe he was scared? Maybe he loved my mom so much he really wanted to stay? Who knows … maybe someday he’ll tell me.
From that point on, any chance of family therapy was doomed. Mom will not participate if the therapist wants to look at their marriage. The family therapist we saw after my sister's suicide attempt (just one session – that is how well it went) wanted to work with my parents on their relationship and she flat out refused her. I wonder sometimes if witnessing my mother’s blatant refusal of the therapist influenced my sister’s decision to do the same a few minutes later? And although it came a few weeks later, it affected mine (and perhaps my father as well) intentions on continuing alone.
Memories of that session make me sad. My dad doesn’t cry, but when the therapist was talking to him about what had happen to my sister, he started crying. Mom and my sister sat there stone faced. I was numb from the constant chaos of the past six months until I saw how upset he was. He didn’t say much, but he was there, he was feeling it. Looking back, I think we were all looking to my mother with how to proceed since she was the leader. When she said no, it all fell apart.
I do believe if we were all willing to do our part to fix the family dynamic back then, we wouldn’t be where we are today. Heck, I still believe if there was a willingness to let down our guards, admit something is wrong and we need help, what is broken can still be mended. I think these changes have to start at the individual level, because if we wait for everyone to be ready, it may never happen.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Home
This summer I entered the Real Simple Life Lessons essay contest. The theme was “When did you feel like a grownup?”. The bad news is, I didn’t win. The good news is, I can finally share it on my blog!
It is nearly noon and my husband is on his third trip from our hospital room, lugging our belongings to the truck and checking once again that the car seat base is securely fastened. I am packing up the small collection of “how to” manuals given to us over the past two days and glancing every so often at my brand new baby boy, fast asleep in the hospital bassinet. One would think becoming a mother would be the life changing event that propelled me into adulthood. The reality is, my son’s arrival coincided with the bittersweet realization that in order to grow up I had to sever the metaphorical umbilical cord with my own birth family that was keeping me their child.
The members of my birth family are afflicted with a variety of mental issues, ranging from mild depression to severe mental illness to addiction. I suspect a variety of personality disorders are in play here, but I am not a psychiatrist. I am playing detective, trying to figure out why they act the way they do, why I am the way I am and if there is a way for us to all live in harmony.
None of the issues I mentioned seem to have manifested in me, at least not yet. Maybe I am just flattering myself with the title of “the most stable family member”, but I believe the truth is "co-dependant." I played an important role which a former therapist described as “Colin Powell.” Anytime there was a family crisis, I was called in to pick up the pieces. I was expected to be strong while they fell apart. I was expected to be the peacemaker and help end conflict. I was the one who helped get things done because they were too helpless to do it themselves. I was expected to think, act and behave in ways defined by my family dynamic that reflected positively on them.
The same therapist strongly suggested I move out of the state, but a good daughter does not abandon her family, right? I had an obligation to take care of these people who needed me and I was convinced I needed them just as much. Anytime I tried to step out on my own, all hell broke loose. I was reminded of the reasons why I could not stand on my own, of my obligation to them, and was coerce back into my role as dutiful child.
The clinical term for this type of relationship is enmeshment and occurs when there are no healthy physical or psychological boundaries in a family. This is a common phenomenon in dysfunctional households. My detective work has led me to believe that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, which explains why I view her as the center of all this chaos. In her universe, her spouse and children are expected to orbit her. The orbit is defined by her needs, wants, desires, opinions and expectations. One literally has to fall in line of her definition of the orbit in order to maintain peace. Falling out of orbit has catastrophic consequences in the form of rage, guilt, blame, obligation, manipulation and abandonment. You cannot be part of her universe unless you conform to her will.
In functioning families, healthy boundaries can be illustrated by a home. On the top floor, you have the two parents standing together. On the bottom floor, you have their children, all on equal footing. The boundaries for the parents and the children are symbolized by the different floors. There is also a boundary surrounding the whole family, symbolized by walls of the house. There are ways to be invited into each other’s personal space, represented by the stairs and the front door. The front door is particularly important, because in healthy families, eventually the children walk out that front door and start a “home” of their own.
The desire to have a home of my own is what helped me to finally grow up. It was a journey that has lasted nearly ten years. Early in my journey, I led a double life. I was able to live on my own and start the necessary process of defining the standards I wanted to live by. Having no established boundaries with my birth family caused me to be snapped back orbit when it seemed I was straying too far from their influence. I was on call, on edge all the time, waiting for the other show to drop and to quickly come to the rescue.
Defining sense of self became more complicated when I fell in love with a man who came from a healthy, functioning family. Interacting with his parents and sister opened my eyes to a different way of living. They respected each family member as an individual with their own mind and had consideration for other’s feelings and needs. Sure there were problems, but the boundaries in place kept the responsibility for those problems where they belonged. Problems didn’t overflow to the point it became chaos. I began to see the type of home I wanted to create with my husband.
As we grew as a couple, I had to learn not to let outside influences come between our decisions. By defining the boundaries that were to surround our new family, we were building a solid foundation for our home. The only outside influence that had the nerve to breach our fledgling boundaries was my birth family, with my mother leading the charge. When she succeeded, it threatening to destroy that foundation we were working so hard to strengthen.
To remedy the situation, my husband and I would spend less and less time with my birth family. I never fully understood the term “familiarity breeds contempt” until I tried to spread my wings and fly outside of my mother’s universe. I naively thought she would eventually see me as an individual, and an adult. I had hoped we could create a relationship more appropriate for woman and her mother.
The prospect of becoming a mother myself was so exciting for me. My husband and I had started planning to be parents even before we were engaged. With this excitement came dread since even the way we decided to parent our child would come under my mother’s scrutiny. Our son risked enmeshment with my birth family’s dysfunction. I wanted my parents and sister to be a part of our child’s life, but I did not want the obligation of having to follow their standards or to endure the resentment when I didn’t. My husband and I wanted to protect the family we were creating. In order for them to be invited into our home, we needed to move forward in the spirit of mutual respect.
The standoff came to a head at our baby shower. This time I had disappointed my mother because we decided not to open the gifts until after the party. She used all the old tricks to try to get me to do as she wanted – fear, obligation and guilt. She even sent in my innocent nieces to do her dirty work, asking me when we would open the gifts. When she finally realized I was going to stand by the decision I made with my husband, she stormed off in a huff. My father and sister followed her out the door. I felt that even though I held my ground, my mother succeeded in making me feeling like a naughty seven year old girl. Even more than that, I felt violated. Mom took a day that was suppose to be about our new son and made it about her. She was trying very hard to pull me back into her orbit by intimidating me and acting like I intentionally set out to hurt her.
After my family left, something within me finally snapped. This would be the last time I allowed anyone’s behavior – family or not - to affect me so negatively. It became painfully obvious at this point a more direct action was needed to protect my husband and me against further infringement of our emotional space. Neither of us had any idea of what needed to be done. With less than a month until our due date, we met with a therapist who suggested we send my family a boundary letter. We made a point that we hold these same expectations for everyone, not just the three of them. We wanted them to use the front door instead of busting through the windows of our home, our emotional space.
It came as no surprise that the boundary letter was not well received. My mother took it as an attack and spun a crazy story so she would not have to take responsibility for her actions or accept me as an individual. My father and sister stood behind her. Each remaining day before my son was born, I hoped my birth family would have a change of heart and we would come to an understanding. Instead, they firmly held their position and we held ours. We now lived in two different universes.
The sun rose the next morning and life moved on. Soon the day of my son’s birth was upon us. I was determined to maintain a protective barrier around my family and the first twenty four hours after my son’s arrival was spent with him and my husband. My son completely redefined my reality and helped to numb the blow of what had transpired with my parents. All my energy was now focused on being his mom.
As we left the hospital with our baby boy, I felt excited to go home and begin life as parents. My heart was heavy with the knowledge my birth family could not be part of this new beginning until they proved they could be respectful of our boundaries. I had shed myself of the unreasonable expectations I had been burden with as a child, an became the primary authority on living my life. As an adult, I stood beside my husband to protect and care for the family we are building together.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Bear with me...
I am still taking comments on my post, but currently comments on certain posts are hidden while I implement some much needed security measures. In the meantime, if you want to leave a comment on a post that is not accepting comments - send me an email :)
Ok Update!
In case you haven't already heard the exciting news, my FOO has discovered my blog. I really don't care if they are reading or not. What I do have a problem with is NM leaving comments spreading FOG. Out of the 300 + comments I have gotten on this blog, her comment was easy to spot. The comment has been deleted.
She has yelled over me and put me in my "place" my whole life. Well, she doesn't get a voice here.
I have been able to block them from accessing (A how-to guide is in the works). I know eventually they might find a way around it (as I type, they are continuing to try to reload my page, click on various links to this page, and view cached versions of this site --- I'm sure they think they are very clever.).
I kinda feel like a kid whose mother just read her diary... but I am not ashamed. These pages are my point of view, my honest account, my journey. The only reason I blog anonymously is to protect their identity, not mine.
So FOO - if you have sneaked your way back in and want to read, fine by me. Be warned, you may not like everything I have to say. If it bothers you, by all means, do not come back again. Please keep your opinion to yourself. I will find you and I will block you again.
Ok Update!
In case you haven't already heard the exciting news, my FOO has discovered my blog. I really don't care if they are reading or not. What I do have a problem with is NM leaving comments spreading FOG. Out of the 300 + comments I have gotten on this blog, her comment was easy to spot. The comment has been deleted.
She has yelled over me and put me in my "place" my whole life. Well, she doesn't get a voice here.
I have been able to block them from accessing (A how-to guide is in the works). I know eventually they might find a way around it (as I type, they are continuing to try to reload my page, click on various links to this page, and view cached versions of this site --- I'm sure they think they are very clever.).
I kinda feel like a kid whose mother just read her diary... but I am not ashamed. These pages are my point of view, my honest account, my journey. The only reason I blog anonymously is to protect their identity, not mine.
So FOO - if you have sneaked your way back in and want to read, fine by me. Be warned, you may not like everything I have to say. If it bothers you, by all means, do not come back again. Please keep your opinion to yourself. I will find you and I will block you again.
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