OAD - Over and Out

“Everybody can get angry— that’s easy. But getting angry at the right person, with the right intensity, at the right time, for the right reason and in the right way— that’s hard.” .. Aristotle

I start off this post with the intention that it will be my last as One Angry Daughter.  Although it is the close of a significant chapter of my life, the closure is long overdue.  I have been searching for a way to wrap this up with a neat little bow and store it away – you know a perfect ending…  Ironic since that is the same thing that has remained elusive throughout this journey.

When I started this blog nearly three years ago I was every bit One Angry Daughter. I had never allowed myself to feel anger at other people so strongly and at such depths as I finally experienced.  I had enough.  As painful as it was for me and undoubtedly the people around me (most pointedly so at the targets of my anger) I am grateful that I allowed myself to go there.  Standing here today, I realized the person I was most angry and disappointed in was myself.  Processing the anger I had at other people in my life was like peeling an onion that allowed me to finally get to the root cause.

I feel the need to clarify here.  This is a statement of identifying control.  The reasons I had for being upset with the behaviors of my family are my own and are valid.  I am not letting them off the hook or sweeping it under the proverbial rug by saying ultimately the self-directed anger was the real problem.   All the time I spent researching and labeling what their problem could be, I was ignoring the changes I actually could do something about.  However, the researching and labeling was also beneficial in its own right.  It took a while to get it through my thick head, but with every book, every personal account and every professional I spoke to the message was the same – it is their problem and it is their own to address if they choose to.  You can’t change it.

The mountain of research into NPD and BPD validated to me that a change was needed – it is just that at first I thought I could compile a mountain of theories and facts and convince them to change.  And even though I knew better, I still thought facts would win them over.  In the end – the facts won me over and I came out with a few unflattering labels myself.

You can't rip the mask over the NPs face without hurting yourself in the process. Your family member will hold on to the mask and attack back. Part of being in a relationship with a narcissist is accepting that he sees the world the way he does, and you can't change it. You can, however, change yourself and the situation.

Randi Kreger - Behind the Facade: The "False Self" of the Narcissist

Once I was able to let go of the idea of rescuing my family, I was able to concentrate on getting to know myself better.  Not only so I could like myself, but that I could trust myself to be in control of my own life.  That was the only way I would stop handing over the keys to whoever I perceived was most capable or at least the most willing.  There is only one woman who is perfect for the job of my life management, and she is the one typing this post.

I read a quote about mid-way through this journey that “Depression is anger turned inward”  I didn’t want to believe it because I wanted to believe that the source of my anger was outside of my control.  That relieved me of accountability and ownership.  Unfortunately that also landed me into the category of helpless victim.  In that state, denied anger cannot be quieted and it often did drive me into horrible depression.  At times I had to weigh the unimaginable thoughts of just wanting it to end with the embarrassment of having to ask for help.  At the worst of it, I didn’t ask for help and I should have.  The turning point for me happened last December during a particularly hard time where I was unable to cope in a healthy way.  I let myself be victimized for the last time by my childhood insecurities and nay-saying voices.  I carved my childhood nickname into my thigh with a tip of a safety pin without even flinching.  It scared and I have had a long time to think about the rashness of my action and how I am going to make it so I never feel like “Trouble” again.  

How sad is a life feeling like with every interaction you are just causing others trouble or being a pain in the ass?  These are the messages that have held me back and quieted my inner voice. It’s the reason I turned to writing my feelings down rather than saying them out load in the moment.  I made a decision as an adult to no longer let that define me.

I’ve spent a majority of the last year just getting to know myself; trying to be as much of a third party observer as one can be living in their own skin.  I worked on identifying my feelings and understand my reactions.  Nothing was wrong, bad or out of line. It was just data.  I really started thinking about what I value – and valuing what I value to the extent that I can protect that with boundaries without feeling guilty. I challenge myself to speak up in uncomfortable situations because the more I assert myself the better I feel about it – and then suddenly I’m holding my own without even having to think twice about what I'm doing.

I have struggled with my weight and dislike my outer appearance for just about forever.  I think I felt ugly inside and it reflected outside too.  On top of that, I’ve allowed another negative comment about “you’ll never be as beautiful as you were at 14” set a limit on who I could be.  Defining myself from the ground up afforded me the opportunity burst through that barrier, too.  Over the past six months I have been able to shed 40 pounds with little effort, stress or set back.  I’ve overhauled my relationship with food (my brain controls it – not that void of denied feelings) and make exercise a priority.

I am back to the weight and size of that 14 year old girl.  And while she was very fit and very pretty and very young – she doesn’t have anything on this nearly 32 year old woman.  The satisfaction was in the realization we don’t have only one opportunity to peak in this life time.  There are dips, deep valleys and more hills to climb.  But thankfully, with each set back, there is another peak to discover.  The key is to live honestly and remain open to all possibilities.

Now a little about the blog.  Writing has been an amazingly healing experience.  It allowed me to find my voice and test out expressing myself in a seemingly safe place with lots of positive validation.  And when this space became hostile because it was found by family members and other people who were not sympathetic – it afforded me the opportunity to hold my ground (and trust me that was really difficult at times).  All decisions have consequences and I do accept the fact that starting and continuing to maintain this blog has had a significant impact on having a relationship with certain members of my family.

I do remain open to the possibility that we will be able to find a way to coexist in this world in ways that intersect in at least a civil way.  I maintain the same hope that I had when this whole thing started, that we can forge a new direction with a healthier relationship.

As I shut down this blog, I can’t think of the words that would adequately express my gratitude for all the support my readers have given me over the course of this journey.  Those of you who shared your experience and wisdom gave me strength.  Those of you who came to me seeking advice allowed me to give back and reaffirmed that we walk do not walk alone in this challenge.  Even to those who lurked, just seeing the number of page views this blog received was encouraging. 

There will be changes coming to this space.  I will be taking down some posts and re-writing other with the goal this place remains a resource for others with only the very best and relevant of my postings.  Since I do not have the time to properly monitor and respond to comments, I will be turning them off in the coming weeks.  You can still continue to send me notes at oneangrydaughter@gmail.com.  I am also removing my private blog.  A special thanks to those of you who shared with me your personal information and also for the support you gave me in that space.

I also leave the blog here as a security blanket.  I hope I never, ever return to the spot where I am OAD again, but is nice to have this outlet in case I ever need it.

I hope each of you gets closer to discovering the peace you seek.  Goodbye, for now.

Mantra - Choose to be You!

My Facebook family and friends never cease to amaze me with their wisdom.

I didn't have the organized flow of words before - but THIS is my mantra.  Every day, to be true to who I am and trust myself to know how to manage my own life. 

I hope others find strength in these words.  Have a fantastic weekend!

I Choose…

to live by choice, not by chance;

to make changes, not excuses;

to be motivated, not manipulated;

to be useful, not used;

to excel, not to compete.

I choose self-esteem, not self-pity.

I choose to listen to my inner voice,

Not the random opinion of others.

I choose to be me.

Powerful Picture Messages

First a note - I haven't dropped off the face of the earth!  I have been a horrible blogger - not responding to notes or comments.  I have been a bit overwhelmed lately - but it is mostly good stuff.  Unfortunately some of the things I've enjoyed doing, such as writing this blog, haven't gotten the attention it deserves.


I think the reason I spend so much time away from blogging is where I am in the process of healing.  I feel I've done a good job of understanding the situation and refocusing my efforts where I can make the most difference.  I've spent a lot of time taking a good hard look at my short comings and doing work to over come them.  This work is paying off as I can see I'm becoming more self assured, self aware and authentic in my interactions with others.  Things that stressed or depressed me two years ago are not as dibiliating as I have become confident in my ability to handle them.  It is very exciting changes!  I still have a looooooooooong way to go, but feel like I'm on the right path.

Today's post was inspired by a picture my cousin posted on Facebook this morning.  It is so raw and a good reminder of the power of our hurtful words:

(From Power of Our Voices)

If you are reading this blog, you understand how this feels.  And it is a powerful reminder it is up to us to break the cycle with our own children.


While verifying the source of the first photo, I found another that also shows the power of our voices in the opposite extreme.

(Source: Stand Up for Love - Official Blog of Matthew Johnson Harris)

This is a reminder our words have the power to build each other up - to make others feel safe - to make others feel included.  This picture is much more comforting to look at.

There was one more picture posted to Facebook today by a friend from high school that is also inspiring:

 

Simple, isn't it?  Do unto other as they will have done to you.  It works every time.  If we are warm and open, most people will treat us in kind.  Most people don't care about our labels - they care about what kind of person we are. If you encounter someone who doesn't reciprocate in this way - it's re-enforce boundary time.  

One final piece of Facebook gold from the last week.  Another family member posted this quote:

"You have enemies?  Good.  It means you stood up for something important."

Winston Churchill.

Makes me feel strong when I read this. I did stand up for something important - I stood up for my right to live my life the way I choose, free from the control of living up to someone's standards.  I made a a few enemies, which is unfortunate, but I still stand behind the reasons that caused me to make the stand to begin with.  I still want to pursue a healthier relationship that will take my entire FOO to commit too.  It is more important to me than to not have enemies.  All I can do is wait and see if some day they would be willing to move forward on this path with me.

I hope you all are doing well and finding peace as you navigate the difficult terrain with your family.  The situation never ceases to suck.  There isn't a day that goes by that I wish for that happy ending where we finally come together and heal.  But over time, I have found I am better able to cope which allows me to enjoy all the truly amazing things that are happening right in front of me.

Never Alone

This song would have gone well with my post "Agnostic" as it expresses much of how I feel trying to connect to my Higher Power.

Never Alone is sung by Barlow Girl.  Here's a link to the YouTube video: http://youtu.be/x8QubLxJI54.

Favorite Lyric:

And though I cannot see You and I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance, yeah, You've placed in my life
Oh, oh, we cannot separate, You're part of me
And though You're invisible I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply and I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know, You're here and I'm never alone

Russell Brand's Heartfelt Blog About Amy Winehouse

Read it on TMZ: Russell Brand's Heartfelt Blog About Amy Winehouse

Russell starts out the post with:

"When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they've had enough, that they're ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it's too late, she's gone.

Frustratingly it's not a call you can ever make it must be received. It is impossible to intervene. "

So true and so tragic. Later he says:

"All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they're not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but un-ignorable veil. Whether a homeless smack head troubling you for 50p for a cup of tea or a coked-up, pinstriped exec foaming off about his "speedboat" there is a toxic aura that prevents connection. They have about them the air of elsewhere, that they're looking through you to somewhere else they'd rather be. And of course they are. The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief."

The inability to form a connection is so maddening!  You love this person and want them to be a part of your life - but the addiction is like a force field surrounding them.  Try as you may, it is nearly impossible to penetrate.  The addict is the one who chooses to turn it off.


I appreciate Russell's account - because it comes from someone who had been an addict.  I can't fully appreciate what that is like and all too often I get so frustrated that I can't help an addicted love one and they can't or won't help themselves.  

Hopefully Amy's story will stand as a reminder of how powerful addiction is - that even this talented women who seem to have so many people looking out for her would ultimately succumb to to a tragic end.

Harsh Advice, Good Reminder not to Fret about People We Cannot Change

From the Washington Post

Mom’s blissful unconcern about crime

By Carolyn Hax, Published: July 12

Dear Carolyn:
My mom’s in her late 50s, otherwise very intelligent, except she disregards basic safety advice that even a 5-year-old knows! She has a key under the front doormat, and ignores my advice to hide it in a better place (or, better yet, not leave one out at all). Worse, she’ll take the dog out for walks at night, dressing in nothing but her nightgown with a coat thrown over it, and leave the front door unlocked. I caution her that anybody could just walk in the house and be there waiting for her, but she insists she “would see them.” Sometimes, I’ll stop by the house and find the door unlocked and the windows open . . . and nobody home! Finally, she refuses to lock her car doors when she drives around, which not only enables carjackers easy access but is also unsafe in an accident.

She says I’m “paranoid” and that “nothing will ever happen.” Daily, on the news, I see reports of older women being sexually assaulted or killed, with the attacker gaining access to their homes through unlocked doors.
 
I’ve gone from asking nicely to literally begging her to follow some basic safety rules. I told her, even if SHE doesn’t care, my sister and I do, and we’re the ones who would have to live with the trauma for the rest of our lives if anything happened to her. She finally said she was going to “buy a gun” and that would keep her safe, but I say she’d be more likely to shoot somebody else by mistake, and that it would make more sense to take basic precautions. 
 
So, Carolyn, any advice? I know she’s an adult and can make her own choices, but I wish she’d make better ones.
 
     Worried about my mom

Response: 
The simplest precaution of all: Stop watching the news.

Older women aren’t succumbing in droves to violent intruders. It happens, of course, and it’s horrific when it does, but your mom has far more to fear from her car than from malevolent strangers. (On point: Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear.”)

Meanwhile, the chances your relationship with your mom, and your quality of life in general, will be hampered by violent crime are running at about 100 percent. Your preoccupation with uncommitted crimes is a dull ache that you already live with every day — despite your mother’s stubborn, insouciant well-being.
Even if she lived in Crimeville, the fact of her considering a gun purchase ought to be enough to scare you off scaring her as a means of persuasion. It’s one thing when all your tactics come to naught; it’s quite another when they come to irrational overreaction.

Your mother is fine, and she will be fine until she isn’t — and the same goes for her dog, for you, for your sister, and for every other occupant of this mortal sphere. To lose someone is painful, and to lose someone to preventable causes acutely so. But that doesn’t justify writing a new definition of “preventable.” It means something you can stop from happening, and you can’t stop your mother from living as she chooses. Accept that, please, and enjoy her. If you try but can’t, then consider treating your anxiety as a problem of its own.

Good Read: 9 things you shouldn't say to your child

Helpful article and some good reminders on how to parent thoughtfully:
http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/12/dont.say.to.child.p/index.html

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

• A parent who doesn't crave a break is a saint or someone who's overdue for alone time
• Labels like "shy" or "smart" pigeonhole kids and put unnecessary expectations on them
• It's natural for parents to compare their kids, but they shouldn't let their child hear them
• Spanking has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior